Simply Dani

Everything

2012-02-14T15:25:00.003-05:00

The smog softly hangs low over the mountains. The ground is dry once again from yesterday's rain, bringing life to the blooming flowers and washing the pollen off of their petals. The breeze blows gently, giving the pollen from the landscape a free ride.

This is the only thing that threatens to ruin my day. With burning eyes, impromptu sneezing fits, and a stinging throat, I lie in the soft springy grass to enjoy the warm sunshine against the cool breeze.

I love everything about this land, about this place, about these people whom I live among.

Let that be enough

2012-02-02T00:01:00.003-05:00

My phone beeps. I pick it up, slide my bandaged finger across the screen, and open a new email.

Financial Services.

Your payment is ready to be viewed...

A couple of checks sit on my desk, crisp and ready to be deposited. Their little white boxes mention a series of numbers that I have crunched, stretched, saved, and sweat for - but there is so much more to them.

Written on these two muted blue checks is a beautiful fulfillment; it tells me "The Lord has provided for you yet again. You are done, sweet child. You have finished the impossible. Take these and remember Him."

My year of private schooling will be paid off in cash, minus a small subsidized loan.

I do not understand God.

He is so good.

I have been blessed with such a beautiful life; I do not know how I failed to see it for so long. He provides for me who can give nothing. He protects me who is just one in seven billion. He loves me who is so unworthy.

I was listening to my iTunes today and came across Switchfoot's Let That Be Enough. Some of the lyrics really stuck out to me today.

"I wish I had what I needed to be on my own...

And all I see, it could never make me happy.

And all my sand castles spend their time collapsing.

Let me know that You hear me.

Let me know Your touch.

Let me know that You love me.

Let that be enough...

Yeah, who am I?

Just a kid who knows he's needy."

This is such a fitting prayer for the season of life that I am in. The Lord has blessed me with jobs that allow me to provide for myself and be on my own; He is creating a new life within and for me. Dependence on Him brings so much freedom.

But the more He provides, the more I am realizing just how much stuff I have. None of this matters. I have a disgusting amount of shoes, tops I have not worn in years if ever, jeans that I have long-forgotten about. I have beautiful things while others don't even have food. I build up my storehouse, my resume, my sandcastles and in the end they mean nothing. In the mean time, I am simply shrewdly stockpiling, scoffing to the world saying "You do not deserve to be blessed in the ways I have."

I am a glory stealer.

I am a thief of justice.

A hoarder of goodness.

I deserve none of what I "own" and do not have the right to keep it for myself. I do not want these things, these checks or clothing or books to be what I base my joy on. It is mine to give, not mine to keep.

I know that I am needy, oh so needy. I cannot do a thing for myself without the hand of God - that is all I am, a little girl completely dependent on a big God.

I simply want Him to be enough.

"But goodness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."

1 Timothy 6:6-8

With each passing day, I find myself thinking more and more in terms of that which I never thought I would or wanted to be - a missionary. The Lord has a hold on my heart.

Playing mommy

2012-01-29T23:42:00.001-05:00

If I may, I would like to brag for a moment.

At APU and the church as a whole, we spend an awful lot of time talking about "community". It's the word that gets a lot of grumbles from the annoyed, eye-rolls from the self-righteous, and rubs the wounds of the lonely or burned.

So what do the majority of Jesus groups do to solve this problem and create community?

We have another potato salad luncheon after church. The families fill up a table to themselves, the old widows sit in a circle just like they do on Monday mornings when they sew quilts, the single young adults gather back together as if they were still in high school.

Notice there isn't a whole lot of inter-mingling. There aren't many new relationships. We eat our cold baked beans with a plastic spork only to head home without any new numbers or names.

And we pass it off as "community".

It makes sense why the phrase has a bitter connotation.

But today I saw something beautiful.

A sweet friend of mine was outside earlier tonight helping me find a cat (don't ask - explaining this will require its own post). After about twenty minutes and without a furry friend, we headed back to our dorm. She started walking slowly. Her back began to lean over and she clutched her stomach, breathing deeply through her cringing mouth. Her face was red and splotchy, her body appeared to sway, her eyes glazed over. I held my hands out, anticipating catching either her fainting body or a nice stream of vomit. I was hoping neither would happen.

I got lucky - neither did. I helped her upstairs and brought her to her room. She thanked me and said she was fine, she just needed to lie down. I made sure she had water, told her to call if she needed anything, and let her be - I wouldn't want to be watched as I wretched my guts out, either.

A short while later I got a text requesting Saltine crackers and some Sprite. I looked through my food stash and offered her the animal crackers and Cheerios I had.

So this began my hunt.

You would think Saltines and ginger ale would be a staple. They are. In houses. Not in college dorms.

I sent out a mass text requesting the goods and got the same response from everyone - no, sorry. I called a great guy friend of mine and asked if he would escort me for a walk to the grocery store down the street. He said to meet him downstairs in ten.

That's community.

Then I realized it was past 11pm on a Saturday night. After a thorough Google search, I accepted that nothing was open.

He called me back a few minutes later. How is she? Have you taken her temperature? How serious is it? Can she hold down anything? Do we need to make another (yes, another) ER run? He had made some phone calls in search of the crackers and soda.

That's community.

I packed a goodie bag of animal crackers and cereal, poured some Sprite I had long forgotten about in one of my (many) canteens, grabbed my (rather large) box of medical goodness and knocked on her door.

I pulled out my stash of GI medicines , offering her an array of choices (you can never be too prepared in Mexico). I first offered her a couple of medicines that would help her nausea and knock her out at the same time. She declined and said she couldn't be in a deep sleep because she had to wake a friend every few hours. This friend made the first ER trip and hospital stay of the weekend after a skateboarding accident (sigh, boys) and had suffered a concussion. Did she want someone else to call him for her? No, no, she wanted to be there for him.

Although she was vomiting her brains out, she was still willing to make sure her friend was okay. Although she was in the hospital until the wee morning hours last night and was back again today as soon as visiting hours began, she was still willing to sacrifice her sleep.

That's community.

After drugging her up on my non-sedating medicines, I went back to my room to let her rest. A bit later I got a phone call from another sweet friend. "Are you with her? How is she? I'm downstairs, can you come let me in? I have some things for her."

I went down to the first floor, opened the door, and found four beautiful friends with ginger ale and stomach medicines in hand.

That's community.

We gathered around her bed, loved her, laid hands on her and prayed.

Then God smiled.

Joy

2012-01-20T20:16:00.006-05:00

I have been given a new name, Dani Joy.

When I lay in the cool grass, warming myself in the sunshine,

When I sit in the dirt in Mexico, greasy, hungry, and exhausted,

When I am up until midnight making lesson plans for my children,

When I carve time out of my schedule to meet with those wiser than I,

When I sit on the city bus next to a lady who needs a smile and a prayer,

When I am surrounded by beautiful people of all walks of life during dinner,

When I cry out and receive a loving friend to pray for me without question,

When I go to chapel annoyed, tired, bored, with a million things to do, yet find Him,

When I am broke, unable to pay my upcoming bills, and trust in Him to provide again,

This is joy.

I had an interview today with the MO office. The sweet girl I met with asked me about my life, who I am. I told her of what I brat I was, of how I was a Saul, of how I was puffed with pride, of how lonely and hurt I was. Then I told her of Jesus,

The One who called me to California.

The One who told me to trust Him in all things.

The One who has promised to work for my good.

The One who continues to amaze me and change me.

The One who loves me and sacrificed everything for me.

I told her about the Jesus that I promised to give my life for.

She asked me why Mexico; what made me want to go?

I told her of my previous thoughts I had towards the culture, of how I had been raised with this idea that Mexicans were bad, dirty, job-stealers, drug lords, perverted.

But God told me to go. I went. He changed everything.

This is to be the story of my life. Call. Go. Change.

I cannot be called until I listen. I cannot go until I trust. I cannot change until I humble.

I cannot be filled until I am emptied, built up until I am broken down.

He fills me with such a great joy, I cannot explain it. Some may think I am "faking" because I need to prove to those at home that I am succeeding. Some may think I am putting too much hope in the move and in my school. Some may think I am just an overly excited freshman who finally got out of the house.

This isn't it. Not even close. I am overflowing with joy because of the God that I finally decided to follow, no matter the costs. He broke me down and left me with nothing, only to bring me to this place of blessing. He is good, oh so good. The friends, the lights and sounds of LA, the mountains and beautiful weather - sure, they make life a bit sweeter for now. The real transformation, though, is the willingness to say yes.

Yes, I will move to California.

Yes, I will take this job offer.

Yes, I will declare that major that leaves me poor.

Yes, I will go to Mexico.

And dare I (finally be able to) say? Yes, I will move to Mexico, or any other place, if that is Your will.

Halfway through the interview, the girl paused and asked me what my middle name was. I told her Marie, thinking it was an odd question. Her partner laughed and said "I was expecting Joy or something." The smiled and said, "I was thinking that, too". Then I also smiled, grateful that others had already given me this name and God has blessed me so much to make it true.

Two Cents

2012-01-13T01:08:00.008-05:00

I am in the midst of my first real experience of the crippling anxiety over paying the next bill.

I mis-crunched numbers so many months ago.

I worked less hours than I had anticipated.

I took a five week sabbatical for the holidays.

I did not account for trips to Mexico, "I just had to have it" purchases, and unforeseen visits to the doctor.

Today I sit with a measly $64.62 in my bank account, fully cognizant of my next bill of $545 approaching in a handful of days. Today I crunch numbers that refuse to reach the destination that I so desperately desire.

Satan scoffs in the background, chanting in the back of my head, "I have tried time and time again to tell you this was a mistake. Now look - you are broke, too poor to even buy a plane ticket home after you drop out. You will never make it here. How will you multiply your bank account ten fold by next week?" Fear grips my stomach as he mocks me, giving me a million reasons why I have failed.

Then, God's still voice breaks through, confirming what I already know. He firmly whispers, "This is the plan I have for you. This is where you are meant to be. Have you little faith? I have provided for you time and time again - this day is no different. Follow me, and I will give you everything you need to succeed in My plans."

Thus far the LORD has carried me. Thus far He has met all of my needs. Thus far He has blessed me beyond belief, assuring me that this is where I am meant to be and this is what I am meant to do.

I stare at my near empty jar of Mexico Funds, posters line the campus about the upcoming trip south, dear friends and teammates chatter about their calling, my phone blows up with curious enquirers. All I see is the small, thin letters that say "$49" and shake my head. Do I spend my last few dollars on this trip?... Do I spend these last few dollars on God? On what He has called me to do?

My eyes became blurry as I sat on the trolley, comparing by bill to my bank statement. $100 short. For the first time in my life, I could not pay my debts. I had exceeded what was provided for me. I headed to the MO office prepared to write a check for the mission trip I took part in seven weeks ago - at least that was one less person to owe.

I saw the director, a man who has been a wonderful counselor throughout my foreign ministry experience. I have been nagging him for a job for some time, giddy and excited about Mexico and what God is doing. Frustrated and scared, I asked him again for a job - half kidding, yet half hopeful. His face got sad, and he reminded me that all positions were full but he would contact me if anything changed. I pleaded, "Well fire someone!" while a group of workers who have become dear friends laughed; the mood was lightened over a rather desperate matter.

With a look of concern, he brought me into his office and we together went over my finances and job situation; he sent me a series of emails with links, talked to a few others in the office, and encouraged me to keep trying. He walked me out of the building, continuing to edify me with every step; on the sidewalk with the crunchy leaves on the ground, the sun shining, and the cool wind gently blowing, we prayed for a miracle of provision.

As I walked away from the MO office, my dear counselor said "If you're supposed to go to Mexico, we will make it happen."

God promised to provide.

I headed back to my dorm, my humanness still afraid, but my spirit hopeful. I headed down the sidewalk, continuing to think and pray. I was halfway to my residence hall, cutting across the parking lot, when I suddenly paused (much to a driver's frustration). I remembered the money from graduation and Christmas that I had hidden; my "secrete cash stash" that had been set aside for emergencies... emergencies such as this. Filled with glee and relief, my heart pounded again - but this time with joy and gratefulness as I raced upstairs with a un-containable smile.

There was just enough to finish the bill.

God had provided. He had fulfilled His promise.

I know that this is a lesson in trust. I know that this is part of redemption and sanctification. It's humility, it's faith, it's reliance on His grace. I have no idea where the money for the next payment will come from, but I thank my God for giving me everything I have needed and will need; I am incredibly rich. I am blessed to the core with my provisions of food, a warm bed, clean clothes, an education, and beautiful friends.

Where there is His will, there is a way.

Ten year plan, revised edition

2012-01-06T21:47:00.002-05:00

I made a decision today that ~~may~~ will change my "Ten Year Plan" (which I have abandoned) and the life I thought I would lead.

I am working towards establishing California residency - which according to every online article I read could be incredibly hard for me, even if I do meet the requirements. But God has a plan; He has not missed a chance to remind me that this is my new life. This is my new "normal". He has plans for me here, in LA county, at least for now.

This residency will make logistical things a whole lot easier around here - no more shifting papers back and forth across the country, having to show multiple ID's, explaining to bankers and offices why I want to do such and such but do not have proof that I live here. In this state, proving who you are is very important. Maybe Florida will be in my future again. Maybe North Carolina. Maybe Kenya. Maybe Mexico. I don't know. But I do know that wants me to stick around a bit in the 626.

I am finding myself okay with not knowing.

I have been wrestling with this idea since January, of making California my home. God is good; He has lined everything up for me. My job. My classes. My finances. My rides.

My biggest fear was the adjustment to a place where I did not know a single soul; He has that covered, too. I have met some amazing people that I am so blessed to know. He has provided me with a circle of adult mentors who take time to lead me and guide me; some meet with me at a set time each week, some share in the mundane moments of life, and others are my go-to during times of homesickness and decision making.

He has given me a beautiful group of friends who I love and adore. We simply do life together - we are a community. We borrow each other's muffin tins and vacuum cleaners, study in our pajamas until we pass out on the library floor, bring cough drops and a magazine to the sick among us, break bread together, and simply knock on a door to kill some time. We are in this together - whether it is finals week and I haven't showered or gotten out of sweats in two days, or we are celebrating birthdays and the winning of awards. It is a beautiful thing, campus life.

I have been at school for only four months, yet it feels like four years. I am completely comfortable and joyful. People think I am kidding when I say I love my school, but it truly was the best decision I ever made (besides following Jesus). God has taught me so much over the last few months and has finally granted me the strength to abandon my "Ten Year Plan" for a much better itinerary - His. I won't know where I will be next year or what I am doing tomorrow, but I do know that He will show me each step I should take. Like a foggy mist, I am only able to see the next step or two in front of me, trusting that I will not trip over what is unseen.

Right now I am in the midst of prayer about a decision that will drastically change my life. I have this horrible fear that God is calling me to be part of a certain ministry more often, if not full-time. My humanness thinks that this is terrifying, because it will completely destroy everything I once thought of as normal and place me in all sorts of risks. If this decision is within His will, though, I know I will be okay. I have an overall sense of peace and I sense Him maybe preparing me already for some of the difficulties that will come if He calls me.

Until then, pray with me - we are in this together.

Top 11 Moments

2012-01-02T11:09:00.002-05:00

My last two years have blended together in a rush of college searching and selecting, my baby sister being born and growing, finding a place to stay, and my continually recovering from my illness. I feel like I have grown an incredible amount, but the same struggles are still lingering. But God has "blessed my socks off" (I have recently learned that this is a very Southern phrase) and I am incredibly grateful for the things He has done over the last twelve months. He is too good to me. So here are my top eleven moments of 2011, the parts of my life that blessed me the most (in no particular order).

1. Seeing Baby Girl turn one.
Her birth was one of the most magical days of my life. I was blessed beyond words to be such an important part of her life; she encouraged me in so many ways simply by being. She has taught me so much about Jesus and the mind-exploding idea of Him being a helpless babe. She has taught me a love comparable to our Father, powerful and unconditional. Baby Girl brings me joy, shows me beauty, and teaches me a whole lot of patience. There is nothing more amazing than meeting a child on the day of her birth and being with her again a year later. We celebrate her life because she is precious, important, and loved.

2. Finding out Baby Two is on his / her way.
Need I say more? This, though, is bitter-sweet. My heart breaks knowing that I won't be in Baby Girl's life as much as I desire, but my heart also mourns over knowing that I will fly east to meet Baby Two only to return home to the West a couple of weeks later. This relationship will be much different, but I know God has something up His sleeve.

3. Being graced with such an awesome "Mexican Family".
The word "family" in my vocabulary has for so long been referred to as the "f-bomb". I try so hard to find this kind of love, yet once I have found it I am in a battle with myself to accept it and continue to struggle to reciprocate the same love back. It's shrouded by fear, lack of trust, and weary records of wrongs - all things that Jesus has told me time and time again to leave at His feet. He has blessed me so greatly with an "east coast family" that loves me even when I so surely doubt and question it. One of my biggest fears when moving out west was that I would have this giant gap in my life that a family should fulfill. For the first couple of months, I felt a bit like a single newly-created Sim; with no previous lineage, I simply appeared on the earth with no "blood ties". God heard my pleas, and sent me on a trip to Mexico where I developed beautiful relationships with some even more beautiful people. I now have six "brothers" and "sisters" (who I look nothing like), a crazy "uncle", and two loving "parents" who are happily engaged. Together, we share "Family Dinners" every Thursday night at 6pm. I look forward to breaking bread together every week, for a chance to slow down and allow so many different lives to come together to be authentic.

4. Committing to APU.
This was probably the hardest decision of my life - yet also the best. I am so incredibly happy at APU. I am poor, but I have all I need and a God who continues to provide. I have no long-standing relationships, yet a handful of dear friends whom I cherish as if we knew each other all along. I am tired, overwhelmed, and stressed, but I have been given a beautiful support system that is always available. I love my classes. I love my professors. I love my community. My humanness tells me that it was a mistake, that there are better schools, that I need to go home. Despite this, I am reaffirmed over and over that this is where I am meant to be. Where there is peace, there is the Spirit.

5. Trustee's Weekend.
It was here that I met some of the most amazing fellow students. It was here that I knew (though struggled to accept) that this was my place. God knew what He was doing. I can honestly say I would not be at APU if it had not been for Trustee's Weekend. I had thrown away all of my information about the school, certain that I would not be going there. When we plan, God laughs.

6. Getting my IB Diploma.
I sold my soul to IB and all I got was this lousy diploma? This required blood, sweat, and tears - literally. I promised myself I would hate this stinking program forever... and then I realized what a rock start I am.

7. Graduating high school.
The cry of my high school life was "GET ME OUT OF HERE", pounding on the windows that felt like bars on a jail cell. Enough said.

8. Always having a roof over my head.
Save the Miss America Pageant answer, this was exceedingly important (and miraculous) for me. There were many days when I feared I would be sleeping in my car. Bouncing around from house to house was hard enough, but securing a place to sleep for the night was sometimes even harder. God is good, though. He provided every single night and saved me from bitterness that I could have felt towards people who did not step up. He has reminded me that I am not the judge. Luke 12: 22-34 has been the anthem of my life for the last two years. The God who cares for the ravens will care for me, for I am more valuable to Him than simple birds. He has promised me that when I seek His Kingdom first, He will care for the rest.

9. Going to Mexico.

I could talk all day about this. I ordered my passport before moving out west, certain I wanted to travel to Mexico. I signed up for the first trip I was able to go on and my life has been changed forever. I was blessed with a team of nine other students who have become some of my dearest friends. My heart was broken in a beautiful way, showing me that so much of what we have is about geography - where we were born, who are parents are, what opportunities are around us. Growing up in Florida, I had always been told (whether passively or blatantly) that Mexicans were "dirty"; some adults in my life even went so far as to tell me that they are "pigs" and that I should never date one, for surely they will take advantage of me. The patriot in me was fostered around a perception that this is our land, these are our jobs, and anybody who tries to share in our goodness is the enemy. Mexico changed all of this. It is poverty like you would not believe. It is corruption, violence, and illegal activity that we would shudder at in the States. It is a forced way of life in a land where there are few other opportunities to provide for your hungry family. Mexico has shown me the other side of the story, giving the people we hear about in degrading statistics a face and a heart.

10. Having amazing jobs that I love.

I fantasized all through high school of having a ministry job. Within the first month of living out west, I had one. Life is too good. I am still in awe of the goodness I have received.

11. Moving to California.

One of the best decisions I have ever made. Period.

Okay, there's eleven, but I still have some more things I'm grateful for:

12. Celebrating a year of recovery.

This was a quiet celebration with myself, Jesus, and a few close loved ones, as much as I felt it should have been one I was sharing with my community. But alas, teenage girls are high maintenance enough, and ones that are horribly ill are just too much for most people to handle. My sickness is gone and I am in a period of what I hope to be a life-long remission. Praise God.

13. Being blessed with an incredible amount of scholarships.

I should not be in college - all of the statistics tell me so. Good thing I don't listen to statistics.

14. Finding a place where I feel like I belong.

See blessing 3, 4, 9, 10, 11. I have found peace, joy, and a sense that the place I am in now is exactly where I should be for this season of life.

15. Using Spanish often.

Being bilingual in such a multicultural area has been one of my greatest assets. I speak in Spanish every day without fail and find myself "defaulting" to Spanish with increasing frequency, even when I am not in Mexico. It has become such an amazing ministry tool, allowing me to create and maintain friendships with a people I have grown to love.

16. Re-evaluating my relationship with myself, God, and others.

My move has allowed me to re-evaluate my life. I am free to process, meditate, and pray without the influence of people who feel like they know me. This has been an incredibly healthy experience, spending time alone with Jesus to discover who He created me to be.

Mary

2011-12-14T01:50:00.006-05:00

I find myself every day finding a moment where I think, "Wow, God. I am here. California is my home. I am an adult in college. We made it." Even though it's been three months, I am still amazed by the grace and mercy I have received. It should not be this way - I should not be in a private university in Los Angeles County, surrounded by friends and mentors. I should not be finding myself joyful in the chaos and (if lucky) silence of living in community, functioning without a car; healthy on multiple levels; working my dream job and getting paid for it; living, eating, studying, sleeping, fellowshipping on the same piece of property. Heck, I should not even be alive.

Yet I sit here typing, slightly annoyed by the loud voices and laughter coming from the hall. I miss my quiet, yet somehow it is here where I have found peace. God is ~~teaching~~ slapping me in the face with a lesson on giving and receiving grace. Rather, I am to be filled with joy, knowing that He is seeing His children loving and laughing together in the hallway. Love means nothing if it does not include love of yourself, others, and God.

I feel like God ripped away all of my distorted delusions about love, trust, grace and forgiveness that I harbored before I knew His Son.

He left me raw, helpless, internalized, with little faith in goodness.

Maybe this is why I came out here.

Perhaps I ran away from the yuck, from the hurt, from myself.

Yet God has shown me that I can run from my sin, but I cannot hide. I have brought with me the same fears, the same temptations, the same pride, and the same lack of forgiveness that sucks the life out of me more than anybody else.

He is doing a work in my heart, allowing me to reflect and meditate on my past. It is when I open myself up to His challenges that I am best able to discover Him and discover myself. Wrestling is painful, but a necessary part of healing and maturity. Yet we are to remember that there is a place in us that no man can ever touch; it is sacred, for your and God's enjoyment alone. It is in this place that we are fully able to surrender ourselves to Him.

I feel like God is ripping away all of my distorted delusions about love, trust, grace, and forgiveness that I harbored even while I knew His Son.

He is leaving me raw and vulnerable, strong and confident, with faith in His goodness.

Maybe this is why I came out here.

Perhaps God drew me towards His love, His mercy, His promise, His Son.

All things rise by a winding staircase. Maybe God had to pull me out of my environment to give me perspective; He is the wonderful mystery. I have room here to think and reflect. Creating this new life on the other side of the country has allowed me to take a hard look at who I really am, who I really was, and who God wants me to be.

May I be Mary, strong enough to say "I am the Lord's servant, may your word to me be fulfilled," (Luke 1) when I am scared to pieces that my bills won't get paid, that I am being too vulnerable, or that I am being sent to Mexico. May I make my commitment without knowing where I am going or how I will get there. May I be Mary, blessed enough to have the Lord's presence overshadow me.

For all of this, I am blessed.

It's a great day at the YMCA!

2011-06-07T19:50:00.003-04:00

After a week of work, I have made a few observations...

School never prepared me for the workforce.

Sure, I can solve some algebra equations, write a 4 000 word essay on the importance of SPAM during the Second World War, and even recite to you in detail 20 steps in cell respiration - but I walked out of high school not knowing how to write a resume. IB helped me talk and write like a little British kid (because who likes to grade American papers?), but I was never coached in the art of the job interview. I can wield around my over-sized graphing calculator, but I am clueless in how to file my own taxes. I am well versed in the top 2 000 most frequent SAT words, but I do not speak the vocabulary of the IRS. The school system that was intended to prepare myself and my peers for our future careers did well to prepare us for college, but little to help us get a side job to pay for it.

"Success" isn't measured by grade point averages.

I like to have my ducks in a row. Actually, that's an understatement - I need to have my ducks in a row, and everybody else's, too. To me, having a "successful" day of camp was ensure that everyone, from four years old to fourteen, sat silently while the teachers taught and played fairly with complete participation in all activities. Shut the front door - it will never happen, and I need to be okay with that. I work with another counselor who is training to be a teacher. Frazzled and distressed, I told him I felt like I was fighting for the kids' attention all day and could not complete a single activity. He looked at me and goes "You know they're 7 and 8, right? It comes with the age."

Turns out that some things do need to be nit-picked. The attendance book must be perfectly kept - or we lose kids. Bullying must be nipped in the bud - or it spreads. Yet other things, if I can manage a 50%, then I have reached my "pass rate". While reading a story, I do not need every single kid to have his eyes glued on me. When I give directions, I cannot demand that thirty second graders sit up straight with their mouths closed and ears open. The ones that do not listen will quickly learn that they cannot play the game. As long as I have some of their attention, I have succeeded.

I am blessed with a healthy body.

We have a lot of special needs children at camp on (so the rumour is) government grants and scholarships. I noticed quickly that I felt as though we had a higher rate of Autistic-like social skills, ADHD, health problems, and more. I saw my first seizure today, but did not recognize it as such. Lining up outside, I saw the girl suddenly take on a panic-stricken face then burst out crying, shaking slightly from what I thought was crying. I asked her what was wrong but she could not speak. I wanted her to sit to prevent a fall and radio for help on the walkie-talkie. Her usual counselor approached me and said she was okay, that his happens several times a day. He held her close to him both to comfort her and make sure she didn't fall. It passed quickly, and she went off to play like nothing happened. I have another girl with birth defects due to drugs en utero. Several children are clearly developmentally challenged and are mocked by some of the others. Praise God, I have been given such a healthy body.

Kids demand justice, not vengeance.

Now that it's the second week of camp, I am flagging kids away at the first sign of trivial tattling. I am starting to think now that these kids are not necessarily coming to me in order to get their classmate in trouble. Rather, they are demanding from me that I enforce the rules. I need to be the person that I said I would be; on day one, we went over the rules together, and I instituted myself as the enforce of these rules in order to protect them. When the kids see that I am not living up to this standard, they demand that I step up my game. All of the students understand that the purpose of the rules is to keep them safe - although it is obnoxious sometimes, they think they're helping me.

Kids don't have the same priorities as us - and rightly so.

When you don't have cell phone bills, student loans, or a never-ending TDL, obeying the laws of Four Square is important. Being Head Lord of the Playground is a right reserved only for the elite. Being Line Leader is empowering. Fighting over holding the door open for the class is an attempt to win approval from the teacher. Right now, that is what their life centers on - winning approval from themselves, their peers, and their leaders in order to establish confidence in themselves. I just wish it did not involve constant bickering over who is "out".

Me throwing a temper tantrum is really me saying "I need some structure".

I quickly realized by day two or three of camp that my kids were beat... which led to crankiness. After running hard nonstop, they needed some time to cool off and become grounded again, realize that they were in fact in a public facility. Since then, my group has implemented daily quiet time, usually involving some quiet coloring while I read a story. Not all of the kids listen and not all of the kids color - and this, I have come to accept, is just fine.

Health and safety practices are constantly changing. Go with your best instinct.

I am officially CPR, First Aid, and AED certified (praying I never have to use my skills). During my horribly long class, I asked about the old "arms up!" mantra that I remember being used on me as a child, and I have since then passed on to kids I babysit. The instructor smiled; she too had used the advice given during the 80s and 90s with her own children. However, it is not advisable that you instead, encourage the child to continue coughing and if necessary, help by beating on their back a bit to force the object out. Raising your arms does increase your lung capacity, but also decreases the force with which you can cough. Having a larger lung volume is great, yet useless if air cannot even enter due to a blockage. This, along with the Heimlich, pressure points, tourniquets, the "ten-ten" method of CPR, sucking venom, and countless other first aid techniques are outdated. This reinforces my theory that "modern medicine" is actually still barbaric, and we are really just guessing.

Unstructured play is really actually structured.

There is a lot going on in those pretty little heads when they are given the freedom to play. Leadership qualities are developed. Hula hoops become igloos and spaceships (no, really, it takes 5 hoops to make an igloo, and it is rather impressive). Levels of hierarchy are tested. Kids learn how to share and resolve conflict without being forced to do so. They are free to make and agree on their own rules, negotiate, and be creative.

2000 miles

2011-03-31T20:33:00.003-04:00

I am officially $3,500 in debt.

I just turned eighteen this month.

And while a little piece of my would like to vomit, the rest of me is incredibly excited. I bought a one-way plane ticket the other day for California.

I am really going!

Praise God. The last last place I thought I would be going was APU. Quite honestly, I applied to it thinking "Eh, it's a good school, but let's be real." It was a free application, and hey, LA is pretty exciting. But when I started to get serious about my college decisions, I had written off APU (along with Biola, Gordon, and Wheaton (ahem, if they had accepted me)) as being too expensive. Things were starting to be okay on the home front, and I couldn't imagine leaving my baby sister until she started Kindergarten.

Then Azusa called me.

With the prospect of money to make it all happen.

Lots of money.

Then I asked God to do whatever He needed to in order to prepare me for wherever He wanted me to go.

Suddenly, the next day, my world was flipped upside down.

Suddenly, I didn't want to stay around this town anymore.

Then they flew me out there.

And I fell in love.

It wasn't that "step off the plane and love at first site" kind of feeling. No, it was more of a "Dani, please don't get too attached. Please don't get too excited. None of this is guaranteed. Please, be careful." I spent four days out there, and I just couldn't contain myself. A large part of me could have stayed there with the clothes I had with me and have been a happy girl. Either way, I came home sleepy, excited, and slightly annoyed by the screaming toddlers around me and my lost luggage.

Flying across the country was one of the most beautiful and breath-taking things I have ever seen. I'm not sure how people can fly in a plane and deny a creator of the universe. In a matter of hours I got to see the east coast oceans, the endless Great Plains with their quilted farmlands, the dry red clay of the Arizona desert, and the snowy caps of both the Appalachian and Rocky Mountains. So many lives were happening below me. So many lives were happening around me. On one flight, a couple of girls in front of me were flying home to Ohio after spending Spring Break in Daytona Beach. On another flight, a thirty-something year old man was visiting his long-distance girlfriend (and checking his Playboy emails on his iPhone). A young couple with infants was traveling to show off their new blessings to friends. A soldier that I rode on two planes with was coming home from Afghanistan for two days to attend a funeral of a dear friend. There was so much going on besides my interview, my excitement, my lack of cellular communication (which was actually very relaxing).

I left Florida begging God to not let me get excited again, and then snatch it away from me. I know, that is pessimistic and not very trusting; but it's where I sat. Yet at the same time, I wasn't full of anxiety. Rather, I thought "He already knows who is getting the scholarship. He won't send me out here without a purpose." I wanted the scholarship - I still do. I knew He would reveal Himself to me, but I had expectations that I didn't want to be let down.

I didn't get the full ride scholarship. I won't be one of those "making money going to college" kids. I don't have a free ride. I won't be cashing in on the thousands of dollars the state is willing to give me. I won't be coming home every weekend. It's not about the money, and really, it's not about the comfort. That's a hard pill to swallow when I realize that my current calculations put me at graduating with $36,000 in debt or that it will take a whole day and several hundred dollars to come visit the people I love.

It's where God wants me. That's what I begged for, full of anxiety, for months. Quite honestly, I was a bit irritated with God. It seemed like everybody else around me knew exactly where they were going. I, on the other hand, had no clue. He waited until only a couple of months before the decision deadlines to tell me His plans - that's something I have to be okay and comfortable with. It's frightening to say "Well, I have no idea where I am living next year, how I am paying for it, or what I am doing with myself." Yet it is incredibly fulfilling to say "God told me to pack my bags, move to the other coast, and trust that He will provide the will, the way, and the finances."

The million dollar diploma

2011-02-25T17:44:00.003-05:00

I like a good sale.

Like the fuchsia cardigan I got at Old Navy for $3.86.

Or my Nikes I got at the outlet mall for $30.

Or the brown and cream eyelet sun dress for $12.

Or the jeans I'm wearing for $15.

I could go on and on. Rarely do I buy anything full price. Actually, I have been pretty blessed lately to not have to buy a whole lot of clothes in the last six months.

I love when friends clean out their closets.

Like 90% of the jeans I own.

A handful of shirts and blouses.

A couple pairs of shoes.

A few jackets.

A dress and some bags.

I don't take offense to hand-me-downs; in fact, I get quite excited that you were thinking of me.

What I am offended by is the lack of funding that schools are willing to present their students with. I refuse to buy a college education at full price. Hear me, admissions offices: it does not cost you $37,000 to house and teach me for a year. Not even close. I am not worth a measly $10,000. I am worth considerably more than that. I will present myself in a way that you will be honored to have me on your campus. With pride aside, this is a business. I would not buy a car for the sticker price, the same as I will not pay the tuition stated on the eleventy-billionth postcard you have sent me.

I will search high and low, scouring malls and overstock stores (love love Marshall's!) to find the perfectly priced sun dress. I will do the same with my tuition. I will go to college, debt-free. I will sit on the phone for hours, I will create some tears, I will threaten to take my business elsewhere. Where there is money to be had, I will get it. Yes, I will write essays on Chinese immigration, fire sprinklers, and the importance of real estate agents in the community. I will harass my teachers for letters of recommendation and keep the mailman busy. You see, this application process is the easiest way to get money. Say I apply for four scholarships that take an hour each and receive one worth $100. That means I have just made $25 an hour... That is considerably more than I would make working at Chick fil a.

Either way, I am going to college and I am getting a degree.

Momma and the moon

2011-02-20T20:48:00.010-05:00

I was driving home late last night... and by late, I mean it was actually past 8pm. I usually hate hate hate driving when it's dark out, especially now that my prescription glasses are failing me. Anyway, the moon was absolutely beautiful. It was a full harvest moon; the kind that's big, golden, and hangs low in the horizon. I remember the first time I saw one of these giant moons; I legitimately thought the world was ending. Anyways, several years later, I joyfully stopped at every red light, ready to gaze at the moon without risk of killing myself or nearby drivers. Yet, something hit me that I have not felt in years... or perhaps, never at all.

I found it oddly comforting to know that my mom could be looking at the same moon. I wondered if she was standing out on the front patio, like I had done so many times as a child, looking up into the sky. I remembered how at that house, Orion's Belt was so perfectly lined up with the corner of the roof during the spring, and then slowly shifted over the garage in the fall. The Big Dipper rose above the eastward neighbor's house with the yapping dog, and migrated above the crazy old lady's house. The ocean is to the east, and the "dirty water" is to the west. Still to this day, when I'm outside at night I imagine myself on that patio, looking up into the sky as a frizzy-haired, eight-year old girl.

I can see why people worship the moon, the stars, and the sun. It is comforting to know that they never change. I love knowing that every single pair of eyes on this earth can look at the exact same image that I am. It somehow unites us under this giant glittery blanket. The constellations are out of our control, and yet, we can predict when and where they will move; it's a steady pulse, much like the rhythm of a lullaby. I love knowing that wherever I go to study next fall, I will always be able to see the same stars as I saw as a child. I am excited for the day when I have children of my own who will look up into the sky in the same way I had done so many years before.

I wonder if my mom has ever looked outside and wondered if her daughter is looking at the same image, too... but I am not so certain that I want to know the answer. I wish that she knew there is a great big God who created all of this beauty. One who is so much greater than all of the stars in the sky. One who has risen, but never falls. One who has been, is, and will be, even after the moon and the stars disappear. One who wraps around the earth farther than the sea of blackness can. One who can stretch His arms out as far as the east is from the west. One who does not just give comfort, but is comfort.

Yeah, I wish she knew this kind of God. But until that day comes, I will drive in my car, admiring the moon, and praying to the One that made it all.

A triumphant end to a tragic story

2011-02-11T19:09:00.003-05:00

First, I'm not going to act like I know all the details and the politics and whatnot... because I don't.

What I do know, though, is that I saw a man on CNN crying "Tonight, we have our freedom! Tonight, we have our freedom! Tonight, we have our freedom!"

The first thing I thought was, "Sir, have you met Jesus?"

But ceteris paribus... this man's life has changed. He feels like a new man. He has the whole world in front of him. If freedom is having nothing to lose, then this man has won.

It's interesting the power that one man can have. I don't see mass genocide with Mubarak; but I do see a masked dictatorship, rigged elections, false imprisonment, rejection of free speech, financial corruption. This one man was able to destroy lives without huge casualties; it plays along with the idea that sometimes, it's better to die than to live a life of suffering. Mubarak stepped down, and Egypt was freed tentatively. Jesus stepped up, and the world was freed forever.

I've got to give a hand to those Egyptians. Whenever I see uprisings, I'm incredibly impressed by the organization and the determination. These people had a goal in sight and saw the "bigger picture"; they put aside their differences for a cause greater than themselves. That, my friends, is humility. Too often, I see groups with a common goal... and a whole lot of side goals. I think Fuel functions like this way too much. We all agree that we want to do some event; but someone wants to see skateboarders, someone wants to speak, someone wants it to fit into their life at their convenience. We struggle to give up our own personal ambitions or reservations in order to reach our final goal. There's little to no sacrifice.

Sure, getting a profound speaker or band or comedy group is not as grand a feat nor as important as liberating an entire nation. Until we ask ourselves the purpose of the out-reach event. Is it to have fun on a Saturday afternoon? Sure, of course it is. But that's not the big picture. The goal in sight is to bring dying people to Jesus Christ. And yet, while people are teetering on the fence of life and death, we sit in a room and draw up charts that never go beyond the brainstorming phase. We never rally up our troops. We never head to our community in the masses and share the Gospel. Instead, we wait for people to come to us; we put the work on the very people that need to be saved. Instead of reaching out, we more so say "Hey, if you have time, would you mind bringing yourself over here for a couple of hours and maybe, well, if you like our light show or our music and our games enough, would you mind listening to us for a few minutes?"

I don't see Egypt saying to Mubarak "Will you come over for dinner, and maybe we'll bring up freedom by dessert. We'll play cards and whatnot, you know, get you on our good side. Then maybe, would you consider allowing us to live?"

No. I see them attacking their goal with purpose in every step.

They rally by the thousands. We huddle in our fancy Sunday school rooms by the dozens.

They fought day and night because it was that important to them. We meet a couple of hours a week, if it fits into our lives.

They devoted their entire life to the cause. Their homes, their families, their jobs, their money, their bodies. We wrinkle our noses at the idea of contributing ten bucks.

Egypt succeeded because they saw it, wanted it, and did what they had to do to get it. We see salvation, want it, and the story ends there.

The Egyptians, overwhelmed with their emotions, cried out in public in praise of their new freedoms. When another person accepts Christ, maybe an applause will be heard.

So yes, I'm a tad irritated with myself and the rest of my church body.

Tom Brokaw stated that Egypt was not a tragedy. Arthur Miller, an American playwright, believes that "we feel a sense of tragedy when we are in the presence of someone who wants something and is ready to die to get it." Both are right. The Egyptians won - and yet for two weeks, the world felt that they were on the brink of tragedy. Are we?

Killer Heels

2010-12-30T21:59:00.003-05:00

I have some sort of awful disorder that attracts me to the mall every weekend. Fear not, for I do not always purchase something and I tend to not be a compulsive buyer. For me, shopping is a time to get together, talk, have lunch, and walk around for a few hours.

I did, however, buy my first pair of casual heels (and got to wear them the following day to dinner). They're black, cute, and have "Dani" written all over them. While Paige and I were shopping, I stumbled across a revelation: shoes are like sin. I am pretty sure I am not the first female to realize that there are possible negative side effects to shoe shopping, but this intrigued me.

1. It takes a while to get comfortable in a new pair of shoes.

When I was a kid, my momma never let me wear my new school clothes early - except for shoes. My brother and I got to don our new, shiny white kicks around the house the week before classes started, just to "break them in". Sometimes I wonder though if this was nothing more than one of her "mom tactics" to keep my brother and I content and quiet. Either way, the shoes were more comfortable the following week and led to a blister-free Monday. Similarly, sins always become easier and easier to commit. Initially, we are simply tempted to do wrong, but eventually, the acts become habit; we settle into them like an old winter coat - or a dirty pair of Nikes. Soon, we can slip the sneakers on and off without undoing the laces, much like we can lie or steal without second thoughts.

2. We suffer for beauty.

I think I tried on every single heel of mild interest in the mall. At least once. I am a picky girl; in order to make a purchase something, it needs to scream for me to take it home. I tried on some shoes and instantly knowing without fully sticking my foot in that they were not a good choice. Likewise, although all sins are equal, I look at some actions and think "How could anyone ever do that?" I blatantly know that it is not a good choice and have no desire to pursue it; the shoe does not even make it completely on my foot. Other shoes have a slight pain, but are cute; I find myself weighing out the options of whether or not I want bunions or an adorable set of kicks... or if I am willing to handle the guilt and repercussions in exchange for a high school party.

3. Heels kill.

While we are on the topic of painful shoes, let's all agree that heels kill. They're painful. They're wretched. But they're oh-so-cute (and make your calves look fabulous)! It's only a matter of minutes after girls walk into the atrium at Homecoming that they're stripping off their strappy heels, exposing their poor footsies to the bacteria-laden gym floor. If you're like me, you have a terrible phobia of germs and will grimace through the pain for the sake of your mental state of mind. At the end of the night, when you finally have the satisfaction of releasing your imprisoned feet, it is a mixture of both pain and relief. Similarly, sin hurts. No matter how comfortable you are, you will still feel guilt. That nagging Holy Spirit is going to be tugging at your heart strings as much as allowed. When you finally repent though, the feeling is bittersweet. You're left with mixed emotions of both shame and the amazing liberation that only Jesus can bring.

4. Shoes are expensive.

I, as a high school babysitter, cannot justify a $90 pair of shoes, much to the frustration of Paige. I will search high and low to get the best bang for my buck; I will average cost, appearance, and quality to meet my standards and capabilities. You better believe it, they're probably going to be on sale. It's really quite a process to make sure that my feet have a good dose of cuteness attached to them. Sin costs us our life; there is no Black Friday Sale to somehow make the consequences null. Likewise, we rationalize our sin and we go to great efforts to cover it. It is hard work to justify a deed that hammers a hand through a nail; it's not easy to hide a murder. It's a great scavenger hunt of lies to ourself and friends to avoid confrontation with our sin.

5. If the shoes hurt at all in the store, they'll hurt much worse at home.

In the event I am able to justify why I need this expensive or pinching pair of shoes, they will usually end up in the back of my closet or handed off to someone else. I am not sure what goes through my mind every time that tells me that these shoes will be different and will magically change shape. Likewise, sin is sin is sin. There's no grey area. The shoes may be pretty in the store and our sin may be covered up as something great - a charity organization for monetary gain, volunteer work done for attention. However, the sin will be sin and the shoes will still hurt. At some point, you will have to face Jesus when you go home.

So there it is, Paige, the parallels between shoes and sin. Happy shopping (:

New Threats to Freedom Essay Scholarship

2010-12-17T13:47:00.001-05:00

Strength comes from struggles. I have matured more during high school than my entire life combined. When my mother left, I became “mini-mom”, forced to develop necessary skills. After my father left and I was sent to live with another family, I had to wrestle through those emotions. I grew up, I became responsible. I would not wish that suffering on my worst enemy, but I would not trade, either. It created Dani – living, smiling, and mature.

I am part of Fuel Student Leadership Team. We are given the opportunity to not only succeed with excellence, but also to fail and feel defeat. While we are provided with guidance, our team is also given freedom to make mistakes – and learn accordingly. The taste of setbacks makes the victory much sweeter; reflection of all the obstacles that had to be overcome to achieve our goals makes us that much more grateful. Our greatest success comes from the meetings that begin with arguing and end in negotiation. Our leadership skills are developed when we are faced with real-world opposition; I can read about great leaders and gain little, but am able to apply and strengthen principles like “Leaders face opposition with integrity” when I am challenged with rebounding from a mistake.

I firmly believe that our greatest growth comes through suffering. While I do not think we should purposefully create conflict, it is only when I am faced with opposition that I decide what is important. Extreme situations bring out truth and movement in people. If Wilfred Owen had never suffered war, he would have never produced raw poetry. When we are faced with our demons, we learn how to fight them. Too often though, we are enabled; we are sheltered from anything negative, which ironically cripples us rather than protects us. I grew up in a home where nothing was asked of me; I found myself at fourteen completely ignorant to domestic work. Nobody had ever argued with me to clean the bathroom or patiently rebuked me until I was proficient with a stove.

Michael Goodwin argues in his video that our culture is inflicted with “entitlement mania”; we have a mindset that tells us that we are not responsible for our actions. This is incredibly dangerous. Invincibility or the “Superhero Complex” causes people to behave rashly; the thought process shifts to “Ready? Fire! Aim.” I believe that overprotection can at times be worse than vulnerability. It pains a parent for them to watch their child struggle, but experience is also the best lesson. People almost always rise to their expectations. It is when we demand too little and give too much that people become ungrateful, manipulative, and fail to thrive.

My Jesus tells me that we are to “count it all joy”; suffering is merely developing perseverance (James 1:2-5). Pain is our greatest teacher. It is only in the midst of opposition that we find what we are truly made of. That’s freedom – to be and to find the true “you”.

Vanity Affair

2010-12-14T19:57:00.005-05:00

There's an Old Lie that floats around in everybody's head. It says that you're worthless, incompetent; it robs you of the hope and future that God promised. Satan starts by simply whispering it into our ears, but if permitted, he'll scream at you until the Lie is beating against the walls of our heads.

I watched the new The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader last week - I strongly recommend that you ~~head~~ run to your nearest theatre with all of your friends in tow and see it. The plot dealt with the presence and consequences of temptation in our lives. All of the characters had at least one obvious sin that they struggled with, ranging from laziness to lust.

I usually watch movies impersonally; I don't connect with characters or get emotional, but in this film, I definitely identified with Lucy. Typically, she's the image of child-like faith, appropriately appointed for her young age; she's usually the first of the siblings to remind the group to remember Aslan and press on in their search for Him. The setting intercepts with Lucy's coming of age, providing a shift from the child content with herself to the young woman insecure with her appearance and abilities (dynamic character!). For the first time, we see her interested in males and making obvious gestures that insult both her intelligence and physical attributes. Lucy makes it clear to the audience, and eventually to her friends, that she feels inferior to her successful and gorgeous sister, Susan.

Lucy, like me, is an explorer and a bit naive. After being abducted by some odd creatures who desperately want to be cured from a curse, she agrees to help them reverse the spell by entering a strange mansion in the middle of nowhere. She finds the Book of Incantations, and begins flipping through it, attempting to find the rhyme that will cure the creatures of their disorder. She decides to test the waters, and makes the library snow. Delighted, she decides to further push her boundaries with danger (oh, how we're never satisfied). It begins innocently enough, but all the while, green fog representing sin is sneaking into the room as she is completely distracted with her new delight.

I like the use of green fog to symbolize sin for several reasons. One, the fog sneaks into the settings unknown by the characters. Satan never comes in through our front doors; Peter compares him to a lion, sneaking around in the shadows (1 Peter 5:8). Secondly, I like that Lewis used fog. We can see through fog like we can see through sin. No matter how hard we try, our sin will always eventually become evident to others, and no matter how awful we are, Jesus will always see the true You. I also love the fact that the color green was used; green is typically associated with goodness, happiness, and acceptance or permission to continue. It shows the illusion that sin presents to us during temptation. Like sin, fog is also short lived; all it takes is a little heat, a little perseverance and a little Jesus, to melt away the clouds.

While the fog is seeping into the library, Lucy stumbles across a page of incantations that promises to make her the most beautiful woman in all the land. She begins to recite the spell, and watches her face morph into the shape of her darling sister's. The room shakes; she knows she's done wrong, and becomes fearful - but the pleasure is too great. She decides to rip out the page and save it for later, continuing to search for the appropriate spell to help her new friends outside.

Later comes a scene that really hit me - it's one of maybe three that have ever made my eyes well up out of all the movies I've ever seen. Lucy lies in bed, wrestling with her demons alone in the dark; next to her is a little girl, completely unaware of the struggle Lucy is facing. Lucy pulls the paper from the spell book out of her night gown and climbs out of bed, tip-toeing in the dark so that nobody will catch her. She's obviously aware that her actions are inappropriate and would be disapproved of; she doesn't care though, and will go to extents to hide her intentions. She arrives to the mirror and whispers the incantation to herself, then waits as her body again morphs into the figure of her sister. I think at this point she felt some anxiety; the green fog enters through the cracks in the walls, the setting is spooky, but I think the potential benefits of this spell outweighed any risks she was assessing at the time.

Suddenly, in a whirlwind, she is whisked away into another time. She is elegantly dressed as her sister at a party; the crowd moves for her, complimenting her appearance. A photographer asks to take her picture; she's absolutely delighted and pleased with herself. Her brothers arrive, excited to take a picture of the "three children" for their mother. One of them refers to her as Susan; she laughs at them and says her name is Lucy. The brothers laugh back and say she's crazy - they don't know a Lucy, her name is Susan. She suddenly becomes aware that she no longer exists. Panicking, she cries out to be returned to the ship, to become Lucy again. The real Lucy is gone. She has been given exactly what she wanted, to become her sister. She's beautiful now, but at the expense of her life and her character.

Lucy returns to real time and finds Aslan staring back at her in the mirror. The two people she can't hide from are staring her back in the face simultaneously - God and herself. This is the most crucial moment of the scene. For me, this would be the point where my emotions would have shifted from panic to shame. Here Jesus is, standing next to me, facing me and my sin. Essentially, Lucy inadvertently said to God "You and Your Creation is not enough for me," and now she has either two choices - to say it to His face, or to admit her fault and address it accordingly. I can't and don't want to count the number of times I've communicated this to God. I, like Lucy, realized that my actions were wrong. The Holy Spirit yelled at me, but it felt like the Old Lie was screaming louder; at the time, the benefits outweighed the costs. When we give in to temptation, everything is upside down; nothing is sound.

Sobbing, Lucy cries out to Aslan, pleading for Him to make everything alright. Innocently, she claims she never wanted things to end up that way - she simply wanted to be beautiful. How often do we find ourselves in this position - desperate to be freed, finding the only way out to be in the hands of God. Aslan tells her that in order to be something she's not, Lucy must sell herself; essentially, she has to die for her sin. He gently admonishes her, saying "Don't doubt your value; don't run from who you are." Through this, He reminds Lucy that she is everything He ever wanted her to be. The Old Lie is just that - a lie. He never saw her as inadequate. He never saw her as ugly. He saw her as "wonderfully and fearfully made," a creation from His hands (Psalm 139:14). She's valuable - He has a purpose for her, perfectly complimentary to her design. He soothes her, as any good Father would, and sends her to bed, though she is unable to sleep. Whenever we are faced with our sin though, we are still faced with some guilt and shame for a short time; we have to deal with our emotions and work through forgiveness of the most difficult person - ourselves. Lucy gave up a few moments of her life to become what she thought was perfection. I gave up a lot more.

I like how this scene deals with multiple sins at once, and then concludes with love and forgiveness (but that's another blog for another day). God tells us very specifically that we are not to dabble in witchcraft of any kind (Galatians 5:19-21). Secondly, vanity leads to a whole slew of sins. It leads to pride and self worship, self condemnation and self deception. God addresses the concept of beauty several times in the Bible; I'm not sure that Jesus ever felt that He wasn't skinny enough or His boobs were too small, but He does know that it's a hot topic among His daughters and I'm sure there had to be a point where He felt some sort of inadequacy.

God tells us that appearance doesn't matter - it's short lived. Rather, fearing God is worthy of admiration (Proverbs 31:30).

He says that those who bring peace, the Gospel, and goodness are beautiful (Isaiah 52:7).

He tells us exactly how we are to dress - modestly and adorning ourself with good deeds, worshiping God, not our bodies (1 Timothy 2:9-10).

It didn't take long for Lucy to recognize her sin and respond to the Holy Spirit. For the first portion of the movie, she let Satan whisper the Old Lie into her ears. She didn't catch it immediately, and soon, it penetrated her heart. She allowed Satan to scream louder than God - possibly the most dangerous action any of us can make. Thankfully, we all have an Aslan to look us in the eye and speak truth into our lives.

When God Gets Sassy

2010-12-06T21:46:00.005-05:00

A good friend of mine, Kaitlin, described Taylor Swift's new album, Speak Now, as being sassy towards her ex-boyfriends.

A student in my English class, Rami, argued that Shakespeare's Hamlet is a sassy character towards his whore mother and selfish murderer of a father / uncle (because it's not a good Shakespeare tragedy without some death, incest, complicated romantic relationships, and political overthrow).

This is probably one of my favorite yet neglected adjectives. Sassiness implies an element of attitude, some comic relief, and boldness. I think sassy comments essentially say "It may not be politically correct for me to say this to you... It may not even be nice... But I've got all these emotions running around, and I'm going to tell you exactly what I think." Although it can be used in a negative context, I think it also requires a degree of honesty. It necessitates that the speaker confidently states his claim without hesitation.

We like to describe God by warm adjectives - loving, caring, merciful. Sometimes we get daring and address His stern attributes - just, jealous, angry, fearful. I often see (and am slightly annoyed by) lofty terms that are ambiguous (perhaps fittingly, considering God cannot be understood) like "God is amazing, huge, awesome". But I think there's another series of controversial characteristics that we see displayed and yet we don't seem to approach very often. My God is clever. He has quite the sense of humor. And yes - He's even sassy.

I think we see this happen more than once in Scripture. In John 4, we see the woman at the well. When Jesus tells her to bring her husband back (Daddy always wants to meet his daughter's new boy, right?), she claims that she has no husband. In verse 17-18 He replies with "You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not our husband. What you have just said is quite true."

What do you do with that response? A strange man you just met moments ago is telling you not just your life story, but your deepest secrets - and you have nothing to deny it with. Oh, and by the way, it's the Messiah. You know, God-man, man-God, three-in-one, one-in-three. I imagine Him saying it with a very straight face, a matter-of-fact tone, and a little head nod at the end. I think her response is even funnier - she proceeds to claim that he must be a prophet and gives him a lesson in worship. Oh sweetie, dream big - if only you knew. I imagine her saying all of this as confidently as she can, despite the fact that she's about to wet herself. I think she would be tugging on her dress or twirling her hair, maybe frantically trying to find a way out of there. If I was the woman, I'd probably drop my jaw and want to cry, completely speechless.

If I was watching, I'd probably laugh and be glad that wasn't me. The thing is though, it often is Dani standing at the well with a bucket of sin on her hip, sputtering and making excuses. Sometimes (okay, more realistically, often), God needs to call me out on my junk. I know I can't deceive God, but I often lie to myself - I'm not only a persuasive person, but also rather gullible, which makes for an awful mix. I come up with all sorts of misconstrued logic chains in a pitiful attempt to justify my sin - but it always ends up the same. The Holy Spirit will whisper to me at first that I've done wrong and need to deal with it accordingly. Then as my demons become louder, the Holy Spirit will start screaming at me to listen and respond. I think conviction is a good thing, because at the end of the day, when I'm lying in my bed, I need to know what I've done and the subsequent consequences. I need to be aware of and believe truth. I know there's nothing I can do to retract my actions or my thoughts; although I may be able to hide my transgressions from man, I will always address to the only One who sees right through my invalid arguments and false self-witnessing.

Super Zeus? (:

I was reading Judges 10 the other day, and began to laugh to myself when I tried to picture the situation happening.

So here are the Israelites, again having forsaken their God (the repetitive theme of the Old Testament - and yet He continues to reach out to us over and over again... sacrificing His Son... saving us... but that's another blog for another day). I'm not sure what they saw in these Pagan gods; but then again, sometimes I am no more faithful and find myself surrounded by idols that I have put in priority. Maybe God didn't answer their prayers in the way they wanted or anticipated and they lost faith or became bitter. Maybe they felt inadequate or ashamed. Maybe they saw something else shining in the corner and got distracted. Maybe they believed the Old Lie and let Satan get the best of them. I like how Revelation 2:4 accuses us of having forsaken our first love - we forget time and time again all of the great things Yahweh has done for us. We love Him, yes, but we still leave Him anyway. Why do we do what we do? But I'm digressing...

Anyway, back to the story. So the Israelites deny God yet again and become idolaters. God knows (time tested and approved) that His people always come running back when the going gets rough. When we think we can do it all we lose our neediness and our trust - how ignorant of us to believe ourselves to be more powerful? God knows that when we are weakest there are two truths: First, that He is strong and we will admire that power. Or secondly, that we are in need of a Saviour and need help. Either way, we will come running back with humbled, receptive hearts. God becomes angry with the Israelites (although by this time, I wouldn't blame Him if He got a bit annoyed, too) and decides to show them who's boss and that they aren't as strong as they perceive themselves to be by feeding them into the hands of their enemies.

This is the point where I wonder "Will we ever learn?" and "I wonder how many times the Bible tells this same plot?" I'm guessing that it's of some importance.

As we all do, the Israelites came crying back to God, begging at His feet to rescue them. I do think that they were legitimately terrified, and I wonder how desperate they were before they mustered the nerve to return to the same One they had insulted so many times before. It's no different than screaming at your boss, teacher, the associate over the phone, whoever, that they are worthless and have no clue what they are talking about when they warn you against an action that could severely maim your life - then the consequences being fulfilled, and you having to return with the request of a pardon and help fixing it. That takes some guts. God owed them no favors, however, and apparently didn't think they had learned their lesson.

This is my favorite part, where God essentially tells them "Let me know you how much of a fool you are." As the Israelites are begging to be rescued, God states (if it were me, I'd be rather sarcastic and wear a smirk) "When your enemies were beating on you and you asked me to help, did I not save you before (paraphrased)? But you have forsaken me and served other gods, so I will no longer save you. Go and cry out to the gods you have chosen! Let them save you when you are in trouble!"

First of all, that's a rough line to hear on the receiving end. God's ticked. He's annoyed. He's fed up with the Israelites and their games. It's never a good day when the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth is irritated with you and your shenanigans. Secondly, those lines just make me laugh; God just got sassy with the Israelites. He told them what's up and who's boss. God essentially says "You want it your way? Okay. Have it!" He's not interested in playing games anymore - at some point, they will realize that there is no way they can win.

What I love even more though, is the next few lines. I would be disgustingly ashamed at this point, but the Israelites continue to beg. Either they're seriously desperate or they're excessively bold. They again admit they have sinned - except this time they relinquish control to God. They tell Him that He can do whatever He wants to with them. That's an intimidating offer that requires mass quantities of trust. God knows what He's doing and He knows the heart of the matter despite what our words say. Had they not totally given up control before? Were they just waiting for God to free them so they could go back to their pagan lifestyle? If that's the case, then I don't think they could be classified as being "desperate"... perhaps "tired" is a better word.

After they had confessed their sin and given control rightfully back to God, the Israelites then removed the sin from their lives. They stripped away all of the pagan idols. After they had cleaned themselves up, they began to serve the Lord before He even began to act. That's trust. They realized they were wrong. They gave up control and asked for help. They removed their temptations. They served God. And then "... He could bear Israel's misery no longer."

Let that marinate for a minute.

How desperate the Israelites must have been to achieve all of this. It was only until after they had completed all of those steps that God decided to step in, that they were serious enough. I love how God displays His compassion here; the pain the Israelite's felt also radiated through their Creator. The One that formed the sun and the moon and the stars with His own breath and never once was weakened by temptation felt empathy towards a group of simple people that couldn't make it more than a few minutes without insulting Him. He never forsakes His people - but rather, leaves us alone for a time to face our demons until we're ready to fully commit to a change.

I'm pretty sure God's got it all figured out.

Thornland

2010-12-03T15:37:00.009-05:00

I can't keep plants alive to safe my life (pun!). I tried to start a balcony garden when I lived at the condo; within a couple of weeks, I was forced to close the curtains when people came over to shelter myself from the embarrassment of pots of mud and brown crumbly foliage. I had a cactus when I was younger, and it's been my only successful plant to date.

With that said, I have become acutely aware of the consequences of sin and the destructive force that it has in all of the facets of our being. A little sin goes a long way like yeast in a loaf of bread or a stain on a favorite sweater... or weeds in a garden.

I found this chart online (so it must be accurate) and was amazed at the power weeds have on other plants. Weeds are interspecific exploitation competitors to the native species. For all you kids out there that didn't choose to take three sciences in one year, that means that weeds limit the resources of and are a completely different species from the ones they compete with. A rosebush doesn't have enough mineral ions or water because there's thistles sucking up all the nutrients. An oak seedling can't grow because there's a giant dandelion casting a shadow on its photoreceptors. Vines wrap around a bed of sunflowers and choke them, prohibiting the movement of material through xylem and phloem. Vegetables can be over 1700% more bountiful when they are weeded. When somebody takes the time to invest in their growth, the plants explode in produce. It takes effort, but the benefits are evident and amazing.

I don't think I am unlike a garden; God compares us and our relationship to it often. I think it's undeniable the extent of the connection that we have to it. Gardens are a symbol of creation; they're constantly growing and producing. They suffer times of drought or dormancy but always return with new life in the spring. They are diverse and unique; no two gardens are exactly alike. Sometimes, life is created for the first time (primary succession) and sometimes, life returns after a period of destruction (secondary succession). We see the self-containment of gardens expressed through terrariums; the environment is self-sustaining and needs nothing more than itself to flourish. God first put us in a garden so that we would prosper and promises the return of one.

We all know that plants typically thrive if four main things are present: water, sunlight, air, and dirt.

A plant without water will not survive, but Jesus is the living water to sustain us (John 4:14).

God breathed into man, giving them life (Genesis 1:7).

We come from dirt (Genesis 1:7), made to cultivate the land for His use and His purpose (Genesis 2:5, John 15:8).

Jesus is the light that gives us life (John 1:4).

Plants can't function if they lack even one of these resources (with the exception of dirt in some cases - but that's quite the explanation). Interestingly, all of these factors point back to God... No matter which element is missing, it will always create a gap between you and God and strip you of life. Your garden will not flourish. It won't even bloom.

He also teaches us that He is the gardener, constantly pruning us and tending to our needy selves (James 1:2-5, John 15:1-2). He points out that we have no chance of producing fruit unless we remain in Him (John 15:5, 8).

God makes it perfectly clear what our "fruits" are and what our weeds are (Gal 4:19-23).

Sexual immorality Hatred Dissensions

Impurity Discord Factions

Debauchery Jealousy Envy

Idolatry Fits of rage Drunkenness

Witchcraft Selfish ambition Orgies

Love Patience Faithfulness

Joy Kindness Gentleness

Peace Goodness Self-control

It's worthy of noting how many more weeds there are than fruits; it's so much easier to be evil. Temptation is abundant and bad seeds are going to land in our garden, but it's a question of whether or not we are going to let them take us over. It takes so much less effort to not prune away or sin or fertilize our lives. I can easily leave my bible in my car for a week; reading it actually takes action. It's convenient to leave homework until Sunday or to go to sleep without praying. It takes no extra effort. It's easy to give in to temptation; it doesn't require a fight. When we allow habitual sin into our lives, we essentially are saying to Satan "Go ahead. Steal my nutrients. Choke me. Cast shadows over me. Kill my garden. Destroy my fruits." The Gardener is willing to cut off our dead leaves, tie our weak branches to crutches, and till our soil; the process can be painful, but the bounty is good.

Sometimes its hard to tell the difference between weed flower and fruitful flower. Sin seeps into our lives; dandelion seeds gently float into our soil and take hold, quickly reproducing. From my own experiences, having a healthy desire exercise more can quickly turn into a disorder. A generous heart can lead to comparing oneself to others. Opportunities can morph into pride. We must immediately nip the problem in the bud; it takes time and effort to nurture each individual flower.

All good botanists know that one single weed can destroy an entire environment. It can completely take over the area (competition!). I don't think I'm guilty of all of the transgressions on the list. I'm not a fan of orgies or drunkenness, but I do know that there are some definite things in my life that are choking me. Jealousy? Dissension? Even fits of rage? Yep, I'm guilty of temper tantrums, coveting relationships, and arguing. Being made in the image of and filled with Jesus, I know that I can't be completely void of goodness, though. I'm faithful to my beliefs and the people I love. I'm working on my self control (aka "filtering"). But even the tallest, most beautiful lily becomes worthless when it's choked by a vine. I find it hard to love others because I am choked with anger and bitterness. I struggle with trust because anxiety is sapping me of my energy. Sometimes I can't find it within me to be kind or gentle because I'm having a hissy fit or being impatient. One weed kills the whole garden. Not only is my anger going to tear apart my ability to love, but also every other aspect of my life. Encouragement is awkward, faith is shrouded, trust is non-existent, and goodness is not seen when I'm filled with anger or rage. It sucks me of my life and my ability to create. How much more fruit could I produce if I weeded my garden? How much more could I serve God and serve His people? How much farther along would the Kingdom be if the Church cultivated their land more than once a week?

“This garden is your soul. This mess is you! Together, you and I, we have been working with a purpose in your heart. And it is wild and beautiful and perfectly in process. To you it seems like a mess, but I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive – a living fractal.”

The Shack W. P Young

Young agrees that we are a garden and yet a beautiful disaster. It's a slow cultivation to go from a seed without festering life to a manipulable sapling to an enduring redwood. It takes years of patience and hard work to expand from a single rose bush to an entire greenhouse of diverse species. From a distance, a garden can look like a mess of shapes and colors. I think some of the most beautiful landscapes aren't the ones that have every plant in a neat row, perfectly sculpted into an exact shape. Instead, the plants are wild and free to grow whenever nature takes them, while still being pruned into a coherent pattern. In a fractal, the pattern is the same at any magnification; the image is repeating over and over again, and when you step back the overall picture is again beautiful in another dimension. Is love, joy, or peace apparent in every facet of my life? Is it significantly prominent anywhere? Can people look at my life as a whole and see a complete mosaic of Jesus?

I love the idea of my life, my garden, always evolving and emerging. I love that I can be beautiful today and be beautiful tomorrow, and yet be different. I love even more that even though I may see myself as an absolute failure, Jesus tells me that I'm everything He ever wanted and yet still encourages me to become so much more.

Caves

2010-11-30T20:25:00.004-05:00

I generally dislike darkness. It stresses me out and makes me somewhat claustrophobic. When it's dark, I'm blind and crippled; I'm not free to move around to explore the world around me or get much accomplished. Despite all the drawbacks to darkness, I think I'm living in a cave. I don't mean it in the sense that I'm bunkering down in my room with just me, my blankie, and my laptop (though this does happen) - but the Dani that is ambitious and creative and tenacious isn't coming out to play often.

The part that concerns me even more though, is that I think a lot of my friends (assuming I have friends - but that's another blog for another day) are living in this cave with me. We're enjoying the darkness together because we glow off of each other just enough that we're able to get through the day, go through the motions. Our eyes have adjusted and we think we're okay - but there's so much more than just being okay. I'm tired of settling. We don't find a need to move... or maybe we do, but going out into the light now would burn our weakened eyes. It would involve effort, stretch muscles we haven't utilized, and sleepless nights where we lie in our beds too excited, too anxious, too worried. There's nothing more dangerous than a content Christian.

Or maybe I'm in the cave alone, and everybody's just running around in circles outside near the shelter of the cave. I do think we have had some good things for us as individuals or small groups, but I also think we've come back from these events and highs nearly the same as we were before. The Fuel team is dying; we've accomplished almost nothing in the last year. I'm tired of sitting in a room talking. First we talked about what we would do; time, money, and ability was all something that could be overcome. Then we started discussing things we could do; we were tired and just couldn't exert the same amount of effort again. Now we're simply having the same conversation over again: What will make you want to do something again?

We need an inciting incident (or at least I know I do), and I think this has been attempted a few times, but not yet succeeded. I think I've found mine - and it didn't cost a week out of town, a wordy speaker, or gobs of money. It's love, relationship. We did a survey in my statistics class - only 52% of students claimed belief in a higher power. 24% said they had no higher power, and 24% said they weren't sure. My class is pretty ethnically diverse; not all 52% of those students are followers of Yahweh. Over half my class is going to hell. OVER HALF. One in two? Two in three? An entire side of the room, at least. That literally makes me sick to my stomach to think that my peers, my friends, are going to hell... Can I say it again? WHY is this not enough to get me to move? Why can everyone know that I'm a Christian, people ask me "What did you do over the break? Save Africa?", or ask me in English class about biblical allusions, or say "oh, you're really religious, aren't you?" and yet not know anything more about who Jesus Christ is than they did when I met them my freshman year? This is disgusting; it stirs my heart. Why has this not kept me up at night before? I've shared the gospel several times and had little success; telling people feels embarrassing and awkward, but now there's numbers and faces...

It's awkward, but I like it. It needs to be done.

My darkness seems difficult, but my friends' darkness is going to be a whole lot worse. Something must be done. I can't wait for them to finally decide to drive to Sledgewater to go to youth group. I can't wait for someone else to tell them. Car crashes happen... people die too early. I need to move. Lives need to be changed, and I am called to catalyze it. I'm ~~getting~~ running out of my cave.

Matthew 10:26-34

“So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

“Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.

“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.

Moving On & Moving Forward

2010-10-16T22:31:00.008-04:00

I've held fast to Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

There's so much I love about this verse. The fact that God ordained and blessed my life before I even came to be amazes me. Every piece of suffering and joy must pass through His hands before it passes through mine - and therefore, I know that it must be good. I struggle though, with the difference between God creating events and God permitting events. He doesn't cause suffering, but He does allow it. The things He wants for me and has created for me are not meant to harm me, but rather to build me up and give me a greater tomorrow. God doesn't say He'll give us a hope - He just says He'll give us hope. The single, solitary, exclusive hope that is available, pure and fulfilling.

Over the last year, I've repeated this verse to myself over and over and over again.

Though my perspective says that it destroyed me and my fragile family unit, Jesus says that moving into the woman's house was to prosper me.

When my dad disowned me, Jesus said there is still hope and that He will never leave me.

When I was sick, Jesus had better plans for me - and yet He knew I would do it. But He also knew the beautiful moment that I would come to realize that His plans held SO much more for me than being a certain size.

Now, as college acceptance letters come in (Liberty and PBA today!) and scholarship money is allocated, my heart leaps for joy. It's a giant tangible piece that allows me to see the future God holds for me; His promise is being fulfilled right before my eyes.

My heart is free to dance, my heart is free to run. I'm not the person I was before. I can celebrate over four months of being healthy, sans fetter. And let me just say - IT FEELS SO GOOD!!! I love being able to think "the last time I was here / did this, I couldn't enjoy it because I was sick..." and knowing that today, I don't have that burden. Though I still get the occasional attack of anger, guilt, shame, and I'm still facing repercussions, I'm moving on and moving forward. I lost my Junior year, 2010 - or maybe, more accurately, I gave it up. We all make choices, and I'm fully aware that I had poor judgement. I know that so much of this was brought upon myself. I also know that while my friends may not forgive me and I may never have the same privileges or respect I once enjoyed, Jesus has granted me all the grace in the universe. I think that's what breaks my heart the most - knowing that Jesus was waiting for all of this to happen... I can't imagine knowing somebody would do things that would destroy their life, and having to simply wait and let it take its course. But I know He smiled the day it ended; He knew that day was coming, too. We can't enjoy freedom unless we've endured slavery.

So here's to a new life and a second chance (:

Running a marathon

2010-09-30T18:28:00.006-04:00

I'm a runner, both with my feet and my heart.

When there's too much going on in my world, I'll escape and take a nap.

When my phone dings again with an f-bomb laden, accusatory text, I close the dialog.

I ignore calls from people and institutions that cause too much mayhem, delete emails that I don't want to deal with, and leave my phone in the car on those days when I just can't deal with anybody more than the person sitting next to me.

When the going gets rough, I pack my bags and move on to the next house.

It's what I do, and I suppose to some extent, it's a linear sin that's been passed down through the generations that hold my family name.

I'm not sure that taking a nap when you're overwhelmed or avoiding headache-inducing people is inherently bad - until it hinders progress. Sleeping through the entire weekend probably won't make for a better Monday. B-lining for the other side of the room probably won't resolve differences. There's a time for being alone to meditate. There's a time for just being left alone to deal with anything but your demons. There's a time to remove all extraneous distractions to be able to focus on one issue. But there's also a time to face them head on with a bold face.

Jamie George says "The truth is, for all of us, that whether we're living in a moment whether we don't understand, or we're living in a moment that, for us, on our end, it seems somewhat boring or full of futility, it all comes down to this little word - faith... and trust... and I would submit worship. Is He really The Holy One? Is the story really about Him?" Or have I made it about me? Have I put more concern in advancing my life than I have in advancing the Kingdom?

For the past year or so, I've felt like God is sitting in Heaven going "Let me see how jacked up you can make your life before I step in." While that's not reality, that is where I'm at. Prayers bounce off the roof. I've got a bulldozer to dig me deeper and deeper with no ladder to get out. But I'm not an idiot; I know God goes silent for a time, and I know that He is strongest when we are weakest. He'll drop us to the ground if that's what it takes for us to get on our knees.

Ray Orland believes, "Any hope that isn't from God is an idol of our own making." I've cleaned out the "big" idols (drinking, smoking, sex, 4 letter words) - there's no giant, looming Asherah pole in my view, but I've got enough skeletons in my closet to fill a peat bog. My whole life, I've put my hope in becoming an "adult"; becoming eighteen, moving away, and going to college were my vehicles to freedom. Now as this is all coming into play, I'm quickly realizing that this is not reality. Somehow, I had this idea that when the clock struck midnight between March 6th and March 7th, I'd suddenly have this beautiful world at my fingertips that would release me from whatever I had been living in for the past eighteen years. Now, I am becoming aware of a few things:

1) This event will do no more than allow me to buy my own White-Out and make me suddenly solely responsible for myself with no protection.

2) I'm an idiot. Really Dan? Look around at the young 20-somethings you know. They're all either still living with their parents or crammed up in sketchy apartments, swimming in debt and Ramen noodles. Yep, it's glorious.

3) The problems that I want to be released from won't go away just because I choose to run and put physical distance between me and their proprietors.

4) Home is home, and this is what it is.

5) I'd have to sincerely question whether this event has become an idol or not. Is my hope in the fact that God will protect me no matter my age, education status, or where I live? In the knowledge that He's got plans for me (love love love Jeremiah 29:11) and has got it all figured out? In awareness that He didn't create me with a spirit of timidity that would run and hide to LA or Chicago without ever looking back?

I'll be the first to admit that Sledgewater isn't the life I had envisioned for me. My life was very much supposed to be like "Even Stevens"; I was very convinced I would be Ren Stevens, reincarnate. But that doesn't matter; that's not my reality. I've been dealt other cards by the Dealer that gives no bad hands - we're just a bunch of awful players. He can read my p-p-poker face, even when myself and others can't. Have I put too much faith in test scores, grade point averages, and Pulitzer-worthy essays? Have I really trusted that He is holy? Set apart, beyond and above me, incomprehensible. He's entitled to my praise and worship - not some flashy degree.

Either I'll come back for Christmas with excitement or I'll be "that kid" that stays at school. If I do return, which I don't doubt I will at some point, I probably won't have the option of staying with my biological family. That hurts. This weekend, I'll go for the campus preview day at Florida Southern College. It cuts me like a knife to know that I'll be (one of, probably) the only kid without a doting parent leading the way, ensuring that their baby is well taken care of next fall. It's both within and without; I neither have a family, nor don't. It's a strange situation to not belong, but to need to belong. But this is what it is - I have to be independent and strong. Nobody will take care of me except for myself. Embellished resumes will only get me so far. Admissions offices don't care that my mom is absent or that my dad kicked me out; they'll look at my grades, look at my test scores, and make a mildly informed decision. And that's where I went wrong, under the belief that nothing else mattered beyond what my transcripts read while falsely and unknowingly thinking I could do it on my own.

So maybe, rather, He's sitting in Heaven saying "Let me see how jacked up you can get before you'll sincerely humble yourself." God's in the business of perfection, so I will finish this year with excellence and move on to seemingly greater things.

Travelocity

2010-09-05T21:47:00.008-04:00

I never grew up taking trips. I wasn't that kid that went to camp for the summer, or to Nana's every Thanksgiving or to the mountains over winter break. It's too often that I say "I've never been..." It's no wonder that now, as a seventeen year old young "adult", I have this itch to travel and go somewhere. I'm a well educated (as much as public school can give you, at least), fully competent (okay, so I lack common sense), young women with dreams and aspirations beyond this town of forty-thousand. I can sit here all night and tell you the functions of the kidney (test next Monday!) but I'm so incredibly uncultured and simply unfamiliar with the life outside of Daniland.

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Paige and I want to go camping. Please, stifle your laughter. I am fully aware of how dysfunctional that sounds. But I look at it this way - either we will die, or we will survive. I'm too young to die, so I'm banking on survival. While Nate and Darren may have bets that we'd last mere minutes alone in the woods, I'm convinced that we could handle it. I mean, how hard can starting a fire be? Bring on the Chanel scented bug repellent and Vera Bradley sleeping bags!

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I've been communicating with my Great Grandma a lot. I had the brilliant idea while I was in the shower (does anybody else make some great life decisions in the shower? I think the aromas of great smelling soaps and the hot water open some inner-brain pores or something) that I should go see her, and the rest of the family in Chester, Mass. I've already found flights. Now it's just a matter of scraping together the last few pieces of money. (Anybody need a babysitter?) My family has always been estranged to me - or rather, my mother has made it certain that I shall remain removed from them. I'm free from her now though, and I reserve the right to know where I come from. It's some sort of birth right; the older I get, the more I am convinced that knowing your family is essential to progressing yourself. We all want to go beyond what our previous generations did - but I haven't a clue what that is. I truly want to know the history of the people I come from. Who passed on their hazel eyes and dimple chin to me? Does anyone else share in the odd quirks that I have? Am I related to some influential historical figure? Where did this sickle cell come from?

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BTW - That bio book is the one we use for SL and HL bio (:

College applications are due all too soon and I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. I want to start making my rounds about what schools I want to see. I definitely want to look at Moody and Wheaton in Chicago, and Azusa in California. I have a few others that I like too, but really, I need someone to sit down with me, go over my options, and help me formulate some sort of slightly organized plan of attack / future. Now if only I can work out the logistics... Chaperone, anyone?

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I used this book as a source for my Extended Essay!

I don't have a doubt in my mind that I'll go back to Detroit one day. My heart aches for this city; I get teary eyed just thinking about it. I don't think I've ever loved a place as much as I love the 313. I don't think God is finished with me there, yet. Greater things are yet to come for Detroit; I can't even fathom the things that God may do with them for His Kingdom. I'm SO excited to watch this place change and grow; but for now, my heart will break and I will be left with that awful, helpless feeling. There's nothing I can do in this moment but pray.

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When Nate & Amanda took me to Virginia last year, we came upon an agreement. I'm not stupid; it's not that my lack of common sense and life skills is a failure on my part to learn - rather, I was never able to fully explore my classroom of life that is supposed to teach us these things. I just haven't been exposed to SO much. I can't grasp beyond what I've witnessed. Life is our best teacher, and I've never been outside my one myopic classroom. I want to experience what's beyond me; there's so much out there besides the bubble I live in!

In motion.

2010-08-31T20:54:00.006-04:00

An object in motion stays in motion.

I've been in motion - and it's not forward. I have the potential to make this year or break it; it will either be the Year of Dani, or not.

I don't care what everyone has heard; some of which is false. The fact is, nobody but Jesus and I know the truth, and that's enough for me. The rumors were started despite the assurance given to me that they wouldn't. The stories spread and the eyebrows were raised regardless of my opinion or record. Now I won't deny there was some truth in the gossip that was milled, but the fact is, I am / will / should be dealing with it privately.

So here's my public declaration. Let me say it - it is finished, and frankly, it is nobody's business but my own and Jesus'. My internal struggle was not the place of other's to share, and was only intensified by the way it was handled by the people who were supposed to protect me. Mouths were opened out of turn, unjust punishments were dealt, and assumptions were made then proclaimed as truth. A giant hurricane of miscommunication has destroyed the good things I had going for me; now I'm left to clean up the rubble - but don't doubt me, it will be repaired. The "help" I was given was only hurt, but that's irrelevant for this posting. I will continue to strive to release my frustration and anger, and forgive those I feel have wronged me and trampled my trust. I may never agree with decisions that were brought upon me, but what's done is done. Forgiveness, healing, and growth is in store. Jesus and I will slowly remove my wall, brick by brick, that has ironically left me defenseless.

I may feel like wear a scarlet letter, but I will still hold my head high. I will leave this year, my final senior year, with a bang. I will continue the legacy of excellence that I have long desired but wavered from. "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice The Gift" (S. Prefontaine); this is a gift that I'm not returning - it's worth it. The storm has passed, and is never coming back. I am quite certain that it is impossible to love others and to love God well (don't even consider bringing Him glory) when one is married to their iniquities. The ending of my story is what I choose to write it as, with God as my editor.

So there it is. Let the elephant in the room be put back in the zoo. My demons will never be removed from my home if I'm not willing to take them out of the closet with my own two hands. The questions will come, the awkward glances will beam across the room, and hushed voices will whisper. But the story is over. Let's bury the hatchet, and may I move on with my life. I will make it happen, I will make it work. I have to; not because someone is dragging me along, but because I need to and desire to do it for me.

Goal!

2010-08-30T18:04:00.002-04:00

I've been reading Donald Miller's blog. He posted a piece on the success of youth; a big problem we have is that we lack goals. I can definitely be a case study for this. I have no goals - I'm quite content with just making it through the day, only to repeat the same ritual over and over, until by Thursday morning I'm completely beat and praying for Friday evening to come. The problem that I have with "goals" is that they seem so abstract; how do I know what my life will look like in 10 years and if this will still be what I'll want for myself? Well, it's better than nothing. It shows purpose and allows for fulfillment and meaning. The other issue I have is that I never know what to do once I have these desires. I suppose though, that I can never know how to get there, if I haven't a clue where I'm going (road trips without maps are always dysfunctional - unless you're me, and can get lost with the best GPS available).

So here we go!

10 years: 27 years old; August / September 2020

Have little baby Dani's (ehh... we're still not convinced of this one, but I'm getting old!)
Be married (okay, I'm sure you've all heard me say "I want the party, the dress, the cake and the presents, but not the groom - but hey, someone has to take care of said babies!)
Be out of school!

5 years: 22 years old; August / September 2015

Have a bachelors degree in some well-accomplishing, useful, enjoyable field
Begin / continue graduate school
Develop some plan for "settling down" after school

1 year: 18 years old; August / September 2011

Be heading to college (and confident with the decision)
Develop some working idea of what I'm going to do for a career
Devise some way to continually encourage and love on my small group girls throughout the year (It'll be their first year since 3rd grade without Miss Dani around)

1 month:17 years old; September 30, 2011

Have drafts of college applications completed
Have 5 scholarships applied for
Have CAS hours turned in

1 week:17 years old; September 6, 2011

Schedule a visit for Flagler College
Have Extended Essay complete (it's 21 pages of excellence, broken up into chapters, if you're interested in a light read)
Narrow down college selections to top 5

Amira Rose

2010-08-26T15:30:00.002-04:00

I'm quite certain that I have the most beautiful little sister in the whole world.

Christie

2010-08-13T10:14:00.002-04:00

Me: "Christie, come look at my cute new blog!"

Christie: "Am I in it?"

Me: "Uhh... no?"

Christie: "Then it's not cute!"

So here you go, Tina.

I love you tons and tons! This summer has been great with my roommate (minus my missing clothes). I'm going to miss you when you leave!

Love,

Dani

A city where I can settle

2010-08-12T11:33:00.003-04:00

Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. - verses 6 & 7

I love it when God makes a great rescue. When all seems hopeless and like the villain is going to win, in steps Jesus to save the day and "bind up the brokenhearted". During the reign of King Jehoiakim, the Babylonian empire invaded Judah, God's holy land. King Nebuchadnezzar (affectionately known as King Nebby) was exalted and took the Jews hostage, bringing them into captivity. Almost overnight, these poor families were suddenly prisoners, some of them in a new land. They were beaten on, starved, degraded, and abused.

But you see, the awesome thing about God though, is that He "will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance." God promised the Israelites long ago that he would always bring them back, even from the most distant lands. He promised to never leave nor forsake them. The amazing thing is that God never goes back on these promises, and they transcend generations.

The Jews held captive in Babylon began their prayer with a reflection of praise and worship. They then moved right into communicating to God exactly what was hurting them and remembered how He had redeemed them so many times before. They held onto their faith of the past, and never gave up hope that their Maker would come back once more to save them. Even in the midst of captivity, they thanked God for all He had done, and for that which was coming. They cried out, despite their iniquities, approaching the throne with reverence, fear, and faith. It was then that God rescued them from their deepest gloom, their mire, and their prison. It was then, only after they had acknowledged the power of God and put all their trust in Him that He broke away their chains and brought them to a city where they could settle - a place where they could rest their heads and find peace.

As for me, in quietness and trust is my strength. I too, will only be rescued through repentance and rest. The funny thing is though, that God asks for us rest before we are even healed and brought into the place were we think we should be. It makes me want to say, with my finger on the poorly drawn map that I've crafted for my own life, "Umm, God, come on now. I can't relax when I'm surrounded by this and this! If you'll just bring me here, then I can rest. Then I'll be okay. Then I can keep my head above water, and everything will be good." But (thankfully), that's not how it works. The great thing is that God is working on my team. He has plans for me that are greater than anything I can scheme up, that all work for the greater good of His Kingdom. When He asks me to rest, He's asking me to trust in Him. He's asking me to bring my matters to the table and know I am heard. He's asking me to rest in Him, knowing that it will all be taken care of accordingly. I too, will find a city where I can settle and be free.

The art of trying.

2010-08-11T19:18:00.004-04:00

There's a lot to be said about trying. What people pour their heart and souls into has a reflection on... well, their heart and soul; it'd be foolish to devote ourselves to something that doesn't hold meaning. It's a reflection of our values. We sacrifice big things for the promise of something even greater. We go through the pain of the struggle in the hope of the outcome, much like an athlete punishes his body for the dream of a medal.

I have a friend; I love her with all my heart, and I would hope she would say the same. The odd thing is though, we have had an on-and-off, misunderstood, unresolved falling out for the last year, full of anger and hurt. But there's something that keeps the both of us going. There's some great outcome we are both striving for and believe is out there that keeps both of us moving forward, trying to repair the relationship. It's a friendship that will last for a long time, I am certain, because of the roots it holds and the mutual hope that we both have. The hope is Christ-driven, and tell us that it's okay to be angry, but to not seethe with hate; it's okay to address and confront wrongs, but not to keep a record of them; it's okay to step out of the picture for a season, but to never stop loving. We both know this friendship is not over. We both still go to each other after weeks of silence with both great news of success and shattering, late-night desperation of comfort, or spend the day together like best friends should. Despite what has happened, we still defend each other in front of others and interact civilly together even in the midst of our deepest arguments.

A wise observer told me, "It's crazy, you two. You're radically different, but you love each other. The thing that amazes me though, is that you never stop trying." That's what makes the difference - trying.

Soccer Mom

2010-06-23T17:47:00.003-04:00

I took 4 little boys to the movies this morning.
In a minivan.
To watch Alvin & The Chipmunks.
With every other kid in Volusia.

I hate the chipmunks.
A whole lot.
Always have.
But I enjoyed myself - and I'm pretty sure the boys did too (even if they did try to beat each other on the way home... but I think that's an innate masculine thing that never goes away.)

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The status on the Extended Essay?
Nada.

I need to get something done on that.

Thesis

2010-06-17T13:32:00.004-04:00

Okay, so I realize most normal teenagers are going to get in their happy place over the prospect of writing an essay during the summer that determines if they can get their diploma or not.

But I'm pretty stinking excited to learn about the place I love most - Detroit.

My essay requires me to answer an investigative question in one of the 6 major areas of the IB hexagon (blah blah blah, nobody cares).

My thesis? (We're still working on the wording, but here's the general gist).

What was the biggest factor in the downfall of Detroit in the 20th century?

The essay will address the downfall of the city from three perspectives

Racial - including the white flight phenomenon, the riots of the 1960's, and increased animosity spawned from the influx of uneducated African Americans from the South to work for Ford at lower wages, as well as the Civil Rights movement
Economic - focusing on mainly the rise and fall of the automobile industry (see above about Ford), the effects of the highway system, and perhaps some pop-culture industries like Motown Records and Creem magazine and the introduction of drugs to the area
Political - specifically approaching the reign of Coleman Young, the areas first black mayor, who can be seen as either friend or foe; the blatant racism of the police force primarily during the first half of the century

It's still in the works.

Housesitting

2010-06-16T09:09:00.004-04:00

I've spent the last week housesitting for my pseudo parents, Nate and Amanda. They weren't supposed to come home until tonight - which left me this morning to clean up after myself.

Until they texted me yesterday afternoon saying they came home early.

Umm. Oh crap.

The instant thought that rushed through my head was

the week's worth of dirty dishes in the sink
the assortment of clothes left in their bedroom (so the Satan dog wouldn't eat them)
the explosion of teenage girl in the bathroom
whatever else I've left out around the house

Can I say enough apologies to save myself from too much embarrassment?

But instead of being angry that their cozy home looked more like a college dorm, they brought me dinner. I came home to money on the table for watching the dog. I walked in the laundry room and found a basket of already clean laundry with some of my stuff in it. The sink was empty. The bathroom was neatly organized, with my stuff either put in nice little piles or back in my makeup bag (which my dad argues is a toolbox, and needs wheels). They came home from the concert after me with a big hug and a kiss.

I think they kind of love me.

Good thing they still don't know about the party.

jk ;-)

Satisfied

2010-06-14T21:09:00.003-04:00

"Satisfied is not a life full of activities, but a soul full of Jesus."

Momma Manda started this bible study with me a few weeks ago, and I came across this line in my study today. It made me stop and think for a moment...

What is satisfied?

Being content
Needing nothing more
Having no desire or craving for something else
Being full, complete, and whole

How often do we go through our lives thinking

"... if I can just get XYZ done in time..."

"... if I can run my miles a minute faster..."

"... if I can get an A on this test..."

"... if I could sign up for this event..."

"... if I could make this work..."

only to find out that once we've accomplished it - we just crave more. We cross one thing off of our TDL, only to add three more items. It's a never ending list of things we wish or need to do. We do things we feel obligated to contribute to. We do things that are expected and required of us. Sometimes (if we're really lucky) we do things we want to do. And maybe, somewhere in there, God gets thrown a bone or two. Quiet spiritual time is both a need and a desire (hopefully!) but somehow always gets thrown on the backburner between working full days and making dinner.

I don't think God had much of a TDL when He made the heavens and the earth. I don't think He stressed about where to put this tree, or what shape to make Adam's nose, and I'm sure He didn't worry about if He would have time to do the laundry between running to the store, making it to movie night (oops, I'm blogging instead of doing that one!), or going to yoga. He just did. He just covered the earth with greenery - and said that it was good. He just made Adam, and knew that because He put his love into it, it must be good.

I'm not sure Jesus had a planner He kept with him in His purse (I would argue that when you go from city to city, you're allowed to carry a bag and still be masculine - but I believe He said something somewhere in the bible about not having any possessions) that had events color-coded and time-slotted. I'm not sure He had to schedule people in days or a week ahead of time in order to "make time" for them. He just went. He just lived. He did what He needed to do. Am I making sense?

Now if we look at my life...

I'm babysitting 74 hours this week (14+ hour days!)
Charlie, my car, has a doctor's appointment
I have meetings with multiple people that I have to attend
I have to work the concert (after a full day of babysitting)
I need to find somewhere in there to work out, clean, do laundry
I'm not really sure where I'm living next week (does anybody have a spare bedroom and would like to house a teenage girl for a bit?)
I'd like to see my friends some time this week

My schedule is full. But is my soul?

I thought today about what I had to do. The father of the kids I nanny for said he would be coming home a couple of hours early today. The first thing I did was think of all the things I could do with these extra two or three hours - go run a few miles, go to yoga, start a load of laundry, do the dishes, sweep the floors, complete another day in my bible study, go to Movie & Theology. Then it hit me - I'm exhausted. I'm tired and full of events and things to do. I can't remember the last time I just sat in front of a TV or on my laptop by myself for a half hour just to escape and regroup.

So instead of going out or being productive, I stayed home and vegged out. Then I went to bed. And it was good.

Adventures

2010-06-08T12:36:00.005-04:00

I'm almost certain that Aunt Michelle is ready to beat me for not blogging in so long.
My life over the past few months has been quite the adventure. The entire contents of my closet that still fits has been packed into my Detroit bag - organized and packed in 40 minutes, with room to spare! (Feel free to donate to the Danineedsnewclothes Fund).

It's been mass chaos around Danville... for reasons I cannot explain on my public blog (thanks Mom, for cyberstalking me to get info for court).

However, I did get a chance to get out of this town for at least a day. So while it may not quite fit the "road trip" description (I'd argue that any trip that leaves you yelling at each other over directions is a road trip), it was my first unchaperoned out of town adventure - and we didn't do half bad getting there! We only had to stop for directions once, but we were so close to our destination. I must say, Paige, Elyce, and I know St. Augustine like the back of our hands now.

I've always been a pretty cautious person, but I think through everything that's happened over the last few years, that's changed. Sure, I'm still pretty high maintenance, and I still go into shut down mode when I overheat, but I've found a new love in exploring and trying new things... including climbing all over the ruins in St. Augustine.

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Now if you know me, you're probably fully aware that I don't do well with nature (refer to above comment about heat)... but I think this would make Steve Irwin proud... don't hate on the gloves though. A girl's gotta make sure she doesn't get salmonella ;-)

Take a good look at this picture.
No, look again.
Do you see that?
That's mud.
Thick, gooey, black mud full of whoknowswhat kind of bacteria and other critters.
I'm up to my calves in it.
And yes, I got in that kayak (new adventure for me!)

But I loved it.
Enough said.

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Okay! So finally, we're back inside! Hello, air conditioning, UV-protection, and dirt-free ground! But before I risk looking like too much of a sissy again, please note that that is slick ice that we are running (and falling!) on.

Kevin has introduced Refined to broomball.

Possibly my new sport of choice - if I were to ever get a chance to play again. It's essentially hockey with brooms instead of sticks, and shoes instead of skates (omit any physics here). You will crash. You will be bruised. You will become ultra-competitive, and then realize going faster and playing harder... only makes you crash faster and fall harder. That's my kinda game... I'm secretly highly competitive.

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And saving the best for last... Here is the latest picture of my baby sister, Amira Rose (who doesn't look so much like an alien anymore).

Let's say it all together now... Awww (-:

Momma Manda surprised me yesterday by kidnapping me - I must say, I thought I was in some sort of trouble when she demanded I tell her where I was and that I was coming with her, whether I wanted to or not. But she totally made my whole week by letting me come to a sonogram with her and Dad!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM! I was all smiles. It's probably the most amazing thing ever. Can anybody put into words how AWESOME our God is?

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Next on my list of adventures?

- Shoot a gun

- Canoe the Panama Canal (okay, so this one is a very distant goal)

- Do yoga with Aunt Michelle

- Go to the circus with Aunt Michelle ;-)

- Actually finish a sewing project with Aunt Michelle

A great big God who made little tiny atoms.

2010-01-31T22:43:00.007-05:00

The above picture is a book many of my peers refer to as the "bio bible". It received it's name from the sheer usefulness of its contents and the number of times it has saved us from failing grades (I paid nearly $50 for this beast, and I'd do it again, too). While this idea of correlating a science text book to Scripture may seem like heresy to some, I'd argue that with the right heart, it's not too far off.

You see, I start every morning with a worship service.
Not the stuffy kind of worship service with children squirming on hard wooden pews and crazy old ladies sporting bird feather hats.

It's more like 40 desks filled with teenage bodies (live ones, mind you - though half asleep), writing fervously on sheets of notebook paper.

First period IB Biology SL.
Probably one of the greatest worship services ever (okay, so there's still children squirming in hard chairs, and Dr. White is pretty crazy, but we can't win them all).

Now, the whole idea of God and science may seem like an oxymoron to some, but the more and more I study biology, the more and more I am absolutely amazed by God. I first came across this idea last year in chemistry, when my teacher was explaining how amazing it is that the elements are arranged in such neat and convenient patterns (period patterns... periodic table... get it?), and how this had to be just so for the world to come to be. A light bulb went off, and I was filled with awe. It wasn't a chance happening that these elements to perfectly lined up in their fancy little rows with their electrons in just the right places, behaving so well. It was a powerful God who enjoyed fancy little rows with their electrons in just the right places, behaving so well, that created the elements just so. I love a God of order and sense.

I'm amazed by the beauty of God's creation. How perfectly everything lines up. How two gametes (eggs and sperm... track with me here, you'll be amazed, I promise) can join together - millions of sperm, and as soon as the first one reaches the egg, there is an instant infusion. A barrier is placed around the egg to prevent other sperm from trying to join, and meiosis (cell division of sex cells) begins. Life is created. In six weeks, a heart will beat and a gender will be determined (sorry ladies, you're the default gender). 23 chromosomes joined with 23 chromosomes. They will split once in meiosis to make 2, then split again in mitosis to make 4... and soon, you will have a beautiful you (cue song).

It doesn't stop there - nothing goes to waste. Umbilical cords? They can get up to six feet long. The two arteries and one vein that for nine months somehow nourished a growing baby in an aqueous solution can be harvested for vein transplants in adults. The rain that falls? It's absorbed by the soil and used by plants or humans. Excess is evaporated back into the atmosphere to create new rain clouds again in the hydrolic cycle. Death? The energy and minerals in that organism decomposes back into the earth to replenish the soil, which will grow flora, which will be consumed by new organisms. Even fecal matter can be recycled. Nearly everything is either matter or energy (or both) - these two things can neither be created nor destroyed. God gave us everything we'd ever need in just six short days.

The God of the universe made everything just so perfectly so... Down to the tiny cell, where everything is just so... ordered and perfect.

See, to me, science isn't like my other subjects. It's not history, the study of man's repetitive sin. It's not psychology, where we try to find ulterior motives other than sinful desire to explain our shenanigans. It's not math (nobody likes math, period). Science is the study of the refulgent Creation.

So there you have it. I live and die by my bio class. It sucks the life out of me (no pun) every morning, but it also gives me new life. I walk out of D-01 every morning thoroughly ineffibly in awe and a little bit more aware of a great big diety who's done great big things that I can't even fathom.

"Can I do my homework in your room?...

2009-11-23T21:42:00.003-05:00

... because your room is really cool and you're so awesome!" These sweet words came out of Hannah's mouth after the last girl left from the Grapple kickback at my house tonight. She connected so well with the girls. She was buzzing around the house before the kickback started, asking if this girl and that girl was going to be there. By the end of the night, she was begging them to stay, asking when they were going to be back, getting this one and that one to play with her, and telling Faith how excited she was that she might come over later in the week.

8 sweet little girls came over with Ms. Jamie to watch "Up", bake cookies, and eat popcorn. The movie ended early, and somehow (naturally) they all ended up in my room - and to my closet. The first girl spotted homecoming dresses. 10 minutes later, this picture was the end product. All of the girls were in one of my dresses, waddling around in unstable heels, draping on jewelry and headbands, and fumbling around in the makeup drawer - what is this for, where do you put this, is this for your eyes?

There's just something about these sweet little girls that I love. They're so innocent, so ready to love - and yet they're starting to be more aware of the shakeable world around them. This might become a monthly occurance, movie and game night with the girls. They saw my small group journal and liked the idea of writing in it and sharing. Maybe it's something we'll start doing. There's so much I want to do with them. I can't imagine some of them leaving next year for middle school.

So Hannah sprawled out on my floor while we both did homework and watched the finale of Jon & Kate Plus 8. Then she asked me about my bible study, and asked me if she could go with me. She said she wanted to learn more about the bible, and that she wanted to start taking hers with her to school to read during extended day. We went out to my car to find hers, and she laid on my bed reading it for a while until bed. We had lunch with Les, Momma T, and Nana Gail on Sunday (after we got in the car she said "Today was so much fun!"). She started talking about them and how she likes them, and asked about "Les's band". So we listened to some Fireflight as my heart defrosted a little. Tonight I'll go to bed with the first bit of hope I've had since moving.

My poor puppy... He had no chance tonight.

Permanent Kickback

2009-11-20T21:39:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to adjust to this new life that's been thrown at me. It's so odd. One day it was just me and two others who were never home - except for my puppy. Now there's 3 puppies in a house that's never empty nor quiet. I went from doing all of the cleaning and grocery shopping to not having to do any of it, except what is my own mess. Yet I still want my old life back. I'll clean the whole house - toilets and dishes included - if I can go back home.

Suddenly, my dad's being... a dad... except it's not to me. It's to this new girl half my age who is sleeping on the other side of the house. And my dad is loving a woman - who isn't my mom. It's all so weird and not right. I'm still bitter. By the time I get to the house at night, I'm dead tired. I've noticed that when I'm tired, my resentment is magnified. This is the woman that my dad left my mom for. She is the catalyst of the past two years.

Hannah obviously wants to know me, though. In the hour or two that we are both awake and at the house at the same time, she lingers around my door like she wants to talk to me. But I never know what to say. Sometimes she'll build up the courage to say a quick "Hi Dani!" then scamper back down the hallway almost as if she's scared, or maybe embarrassed. Usually when I come out of my room she's sitting on the couch or at the table that's at the end of the hall and say hi to me or ask where I'm going if my keys are in my hand. Maybe she just likes being there, or maybe she's waiting for me to come out. I don't know how to live with an 8 year old. A part of me resents that she is the child of my dad's girlfriend. The fact that a father has a girlfriend, not a wife, just isn't even right.

Em told me to pretend it's Faith. Or to just act like it's another student that I work with, and we've just jumped to a Kickback - permanently. This makes me smile a bit, but it's not the same. I've been able to get to know Faith and her family for about two years now. I hold no animosity against them. And I don't live with them. Yes, Hannah (possibly) looks up to me - and that could be great. But I look up to Amanda, yet I don't live with her. It's a totally different situation. Very different. Not in a good way.

This does make my smile though: I asked my friend Phoebe how I deal with living with an 8 year old, and she goes "That's a good question. Make it your slave."

So, I'm off to go take a shower (there's healing properties in hot water and good smelling soaps) and continue listening to Francesca and Jon Foreman (there's also healing properties in music). They're also two of the only things that never change. Unlike most things in life, there's always music and there's always showers. They say babies work well in routine. I guess teenage girls do too.

Positive Comments

2009-11-03T16:02:00.002-05:00

If you've spent some time around me, you've probably heard me say "3 positive comments!" It's something I started saying a while back when I was tired of hearing somebody whine about nothing. So to honor my own demands... here are 10 positive comments about the move. Here we go...

10. I like having my drive to school cut in half.

9. I like my drive to church cut in half.

8. I like my drive to most people's houses cut in half.

7. I like that I'm closer to cheaper gas (notice all these have to do with driving...)

6. My room is super cute.

5. Actually, the bathroom is pretty cute too (shout out to Amanda Fay).

4. My bedroom is about 3 feet from the front door, instead of the back corner. I can slip in and slip out without contact with anybody.

3. I don't have to share my pool with 30 other old sagging ladies and creepy men, nor do I have to reject the idea of getting anywhere near the packed pool on holiday weekends.

2. I get to organize (:

1. I got to spend the day unpacking with 2 of the sweetest people ever.

There. Positivity. Don't expect it often though (:

Last night.

2009-10-30T21:25:00.002-04:00

In less than 12 hours I'll be loading boxes into a U-Haul and moving. Again. You'd think by the number of times I've moved, I'd be pretty good at it. Not so much. It's funny, because as a kid, I had only moved once. Then in 6th grade I moved. And I've moved nearly every year since. 4 moves in 5 years (not counting living with various people for a few weeks at a time).

I've been here for two years, and I finally feel at home. I finally remember which cupboard has the plates in it versus the cups. I've finally broken into a routine, and I can walk around the entire house in the dark with ease. I don't want to leave. I like my home. I'm doing well here.

I don't want to go live with these new people. Strangers. I couldn't even tell you their last names. I don't know the dog's names. I don't know who they are or what they're like. It's not my house. Every little peice of me is screaming out against this. But there's nothing I can do about it. I can't deal with change.

My shelves lie naked, the contents crammed into boxes scattered around the floor (incase I needed one more reason to not want to move: tripping over boxes). My stress level is through the roof. I'm not sleeping, and when I do, it's fitful with nightmares. I feel sick to my stomach and have a constant headache. I'm cranky, hypersensitive, exhausted, and could cry at the drop of a hat.

My dad tells me to suck it up. He says moving isn't stressful. He's also the same man who's snapping at nothing and who doesn't even have half of his stuff packed up yet. But he's at his girlfriend's house hanging out instead. The thought of her makes me angry. Very angry. I can't handle this. I wish I could sleep, but my body won't let me. I wish my best friend was around, but she's not. Deep breaths.

My new goal: To stay in the same house for 3 years before I'm 30.

Two more years. And I'm done.

In case anybody was confused...

2009-10-22T19:14:00.003-04:00

1. Please do not keep your high beams on when you're driving behind somebody in the dark.

2. There is no reason to tailgate while you're going 70+ on 95. Really.

3. Actually, just don't tailgate at all. And don't get all in a huff if the car in front of you isn't doing 10 over.

4. You are very wrong if you're doing 20 under the speed limit.

5. I can't help it if I hit you because you're a bike that decides to not have reflectors are ride in the street in the dark.

6. Can you please move over when there's a train of cars trying to merge? I know it's not your responsibility, but come on now.

7. Yes, blinkers may be a "courtesy" in Florida, but let's be "courteous".

8. People die from drunk driving. So you may think you're cool when you talk really loud about being wasted one night, and thinking it's funny how hard it was to drive, but you won't be laughing when you're in court for manslaughter.

9. There's 14 stoplights between my house and my school. When you hit one, you hit them all. And it always happens to be when you're in a rush.

10. If you're jamming out in your car, and you notice I'm watching, there's no recovering from that by trying to act like you were fixing your hair the whole time. Haha.

Just thought I'd get that cleared up...

Study break

2009-10-03T08:54:00.003-04:00

So I'm taking a study break (is it a bad sign if it's not even 9am on a Saturday morning and you already ened a study break?) and I've compiled a few fun lists...

Top 15 things that shouldn't exist (in no particular order):
15. Waking up before the sun has risen
14. Having to pay to take of a Saturday morning to take a test you don't really want to take (aka SAT)
13. The fact that Josephine / 10th Street is pretty straight, yet the speed limit changes all on the same street from 35, to 45, to 30, to 40
12. Store employees standing around talking while the check out lines are 8 carts deep
11. Getting all excited about coupons only to find out that it's actually expired after you put the items in you cart
10. That really awkward feeling when there's only one seat open between two strangers, or you're in the elevator, or you think you know somebody but you're not sure or you forget their name... We could go on all night
9. Forgetting everything as soon as you get the test.
8. Forgetting everything as soon as you get the test when you didn't sleep so you could study.
7. Kids throwing fits over nonsense.
6. Those days when you're soaked with sweat and humidity just walking out to your car... and then the AC doesn't work.
5. Morning alarms.
4. Morning alarms when you're warm and comfy in your bed in the winter, and you can feel the cold air starting to rush in already.
3. Being super excited to go home and eat a certain food, only to find that somebody already ate it.
2. Getting a stain on / growing out of / ruining in the wash your favorite shirt.
1. Obnoxious songs stuck in your head... This land is your land, this land is my land, from the New York islands...

15 Best Simple Things Ever
15. That cool, foggy, dewy feeling in the morning right after the sun has come up
14. Watching a baby sleep
13. Actually getting a baby to sleep
12. Waking up feeling totally refreshed
11. Finding a note of encouragement somebody left you in a book they returned
10. A new CD and playing it over and over and over and over again.
9. Finding an old favorite CD you haven't listened to in forever
8. Going through memory boxes
7. An afternoon nap after a long day
6. Lazy Sunday afternoons
5. Ghiradelli chocolate...
4. Actually, any kind of chocolate
3. Waking up in the morning and having nothing on your agenda
2. Walking on the beach when the sun is rising or setting
1. Watching things turn white right before your eyes while cleaning it.

Need to breathe

2009-09-25T19:19:00.003-04:00

I like to stay busy. I think having a full calendar and crossing things off on my TDL gives me a sense of self-worth. I also don't like being home often, and I've noticed that if I go home straight after school I WILL take a nap and I WILL screw up my sleep schedule. Sometimes though my pesky little habit (and the invasive motivation bug) get the best of me, and I find myself swamped with things to do, places to go, people to see.

Tuesday was one of three days all year thus far that I've been able to go home straight after school - no meetings to attend, no errands to run, no kids to watch. I was pretty excited (yes, I took a nap - yes, I screwed up my sleep schedule for the rest of the week). Wednesday, around lunch time I realized that I would have an entire 3 hours all to myself before youth group to do homework and do chores. I was pumped. Yes, I was overjoyed with the thought of being able to go home and work. Lately my crazy schedule has had me in different places every day to do work while waiting for different activities to start - the church, the media center, people's houses, etc. It was nice to sit down at MY desk with nobody distracting me and have Oprah buzzing in the background as I did my math.

So here I am, on this Friday evening. My father called to ask if I was going to be in town this weekend, or if I was even coming home tonight (hey dad - I haven't had a sleepover all year, just an fyi. I've been here.) I got home about an hour or two ago from watching 18 or 20 kids all day. I just talked on the phone for 40 minutes discussing plans to go to Chicago. I just made plans to babysit early tomorrow morning. I'm staring at a pile of homework that is undone and a room that looks like it was hit by a tornado. My closet is half naked, the rest of it lies on the floor in distress. I'm debating on whether or not I want to go to the game, and acquiring the motivation to get up and get moving if I do. I made my once-monthly phone call to La Diabla, which ended in tears and her hanging up on me. I lacked the motivation to eat dinner, let alone make it. The dog smells like a dog, in a bad kind of way. My bible has found a newly permanent home in the seats of my car - I couldn't tell you the last time I cracked that baby open. My booty sits in a chair after not having worked out in two weeks.

And I'm gasping for air.

City on a hill

2009-09-09T20:39:00.003-04:00

I'm taking American History this year. I think we need more holidays to keep teachers in line - we get to the pilgrims and Indians in time for Thanksgiving, the Civil War for Lincoln's birthday, then skip right ahead to the 1960's for MLK Day and the Civil Right's Movement... I've never studied the Vietnam War, the farthest we've gotten with World War 2 is the Holocaust... But right now, we're still with the pilgrims (Thanksgiving hasn't happened yet...) and colonial America.

We're reading various documents from the time period to assess for their value and limitations (don't ask), and one of them is called A Model of Christian Charity by John Winthrop, who would settle the Massacusetts Bay Colony.

You can stop reading here if you really really don't care about history...

Winthrop was a Protestant Minister from Weymouth, England. He and about 108 other Protestants were crossing the Atlantic in 1630 on the Andorra when he penned this sermon that he would present on the ship and when they landed in the colony. I think it's one of the most famous sermons in history - it's the only one I've ever read in a school setting. This sermon stood the test of time; we're still reading it nearly 400 years later (okay, maybe the pilgrims didn't blog about it). It expressed the hopes, dreams, and aspirations of those early colonists who were risking everything - their lives, money, families - to settle in this New World and practice their faith without an oppressive government overseeing them. There was still an oppressive government - they were just blocked by a 3 month trip via ocean.

Winthrop expresses a deep faith and a desire to create a colony that would be a city on a hill (I immediately thought of TobyMac... are you singing along too?). He wanted this to be a perfect community, a beacon to the world. I can imagine that these early settlers were full of hope, full of adventure, and excitement. In this strange New World, I wonder if they thought of it as a "do over" - a chance to try life again, and maybe do it right this time. Oh sure, there would still be sin in the world and whatnot. But how often do you get the chance to create a town? An environment that is still full of bushland, that has no laws, no settlement - it's just you, your neighbor, and the omnipotent God that created it all. I wonder if they envisioned a New Jerusalem when they sailed across those stormy seas. Their greatest desire was to shine God's light. How different would the world look if that was the most intimate wish of all of us?

If / when you read the sermon, you'll see that they truly wanted to follow all of the laws that God has given us. They quote scripture, saying that they won't harm the natives, or enemies, but they would feed them and care for them. They promise to care for each other and to be a great, peaceful community that the whole world would look to, and by doing so, the love of Jesus Christ would be spread to all.

40 years later, greed takes ahold of the colonists. It happens. When your town is only one to twohundred small, and you're the only one with a specific trade, you can jack up your prices as much as you want. The government was the voting church members (basically, your elders and deacons), and they would create a law that would allow them to punish merchants and tradesmen who took advantage of their neighbors. Their reasoning - you are here to love and to serve the Lord your God, not to make a profit. That struck a chord with me. The people had agreed on this new law that would require you - by law - to live humbly, not in excess.

I wonder if I have the faith that it would take to climb aboard a caravel and sail for 3 months. To build my own house in the wilderness. To leave the city and country I had lived in and head off to this strange new land that nobody really understood (without a cell phone). I wonder if I have the discipline enough to charge my goods for only as much as I need to get by. What great faith those pilgrims had.

It makes me wonder how our nation got from a City on a Hill to what it is today. Only 40 years into it (40 years is considered a generation, btw), and we were already screwing up - but we fixed it. Other community members came along, took care of us, pointed out our errors, and set us on another path. Somewhere along the lines though, we stopped doing that. The community fell apart. Instead of living 3 feet away from your neighbor, we started getting bigger houses, bigger crops, and soon we were living 3 miles from our nearest neighbor. We stopped caring as much - we all wanted to do our own thing. It takes a lot of effort to refine a person. Sanctification is a lifelong, grueling process. Sometimes, it's just easier to look away than to clean the wound and put on a band-aid.

Today in English, we did an activity where we had different values (faith / religion, family, close friends, good healthy, beauty, wealth, etc) and we ranked them from most important to least important. There were various signs around the room with the different values on them. When the teacher called out a number, we would go to the corresponding value that we had put down, and then open up in discussion about why we picked what.

I saw some real life in people that had never come out before. I saw the class clown come out and say that one of his best friends had died in her sleep during the summmer and another girl say that her father had died during her freshman year. I can't imagine the pain that they went through, and how I went alongside these students for three years without knowing. I heard kids open up about their ideas on God, some of them breaking my heart. It was a reminder that I am still in a mission field, whether I realize it or not. I may not come to school on a boat, but I still need to be a beacon to the world.

It kind of felt like I was back in my youth group. That made me wonder why I felt that way. I guess it's because these were people trying to be real with each other and let their guard down; to just take off the mask for a few minutes. There were several awkward moments for a lot of us, especially the first few people to speak. None of us were really sure how we would all be perceived. As I was walking to lunch after that class, I realized that the reason I feel so comfortable around the kids from youth is because we're open. You go to a totally new step in your relationship when you're honest and real and people get to see the whole person. It shows trust, love, and caring about one another. The very thing Winthrop settled his colony on. It makes... a community. The very thing God created the earth based on. It's interesting how everything keeps coming back to this idea... community.

I don't want you to do this.

2009-09-07T20:18:00.003-04:00

The past few weeks have proven to wreck emotional havoc on me. For some reason, I thought all the drama would end with the divorce. It didn't. It's still going on full swing. Dani 32169 is continuing into another season with raving reviews. I'm trying to distract myself. I'm trying to get out of the house as much as possible, and dive into my school work when I have to be here.

I don't want to move in with the father's girlfriend. Not even a little bit. I'm kicking and screaming the whole way there. As selfish as it sounds, I don't want to live in a house with 4 nonbelievers. I don't want to put up a fight 4 against 1. I don't want to constantly live in my mission field. I want to have a chance to go home... to refuel... to study instead of be tested. I know God probably wants to use me there, but I don't want to go... my heart breaks at the thought of this change - of a new house, another woman, a new "sister". I'm trying to stay positive... but I so badly don't want to do this again.

I can leave. I have the opportunity to. But the question that eats at me is "are you seriously going to give up the opportunity to reach an 8 year old girl who has never heard before, without even giving it a try?" So I guess I'm going there, at least for a little bit. I'll stay there for a couple of months and try to tough it out. I think of Paul and of his bravery, his determination, and his unyielding faith, and am given a shard of hope.

I got a chance to spend the day with the two people who have been with me through this entire crazy thing, who have never given up on me. One of them said something like "I'm proud of you, though. This is good that you can see that it's wrong and you understand why it's wrong. You don't want it to happen because it hurts you, and neither does God - and it hurts him a whole lot more. But he's saying 'I don't want you to do this because it's going to hurt you, but I'm not going to stop you, even though it hurts me.'"

So until I get a new plan for living arrangements, I'll be taking a deep breath and spending as much time away from the house as possible.

The lights are on... is anybody home?

2009-09-02T22:06:00.003-04:00

I think there's something a lot of us do, whether is conscious or subconscious, and that's to try to figure out what others believe, as far as religion goes. I tend to do that at the beginning of the school year with new teachers. Within the first week or two, I tend to have a generally good idea with some, others my perception changes throughout the year, and some I guess I'll never know.

I just came home from my English teacher's house after an evening of babysitting. She, her husband, and I sat on the couch and talked about the public education taboo - religion. I've learned that her family is very religious, and that seems to be a comfort to me. There's something about school that makes me think that religion cannot be anywhere near it - probably the way I've been conditioned. Now that doesn't mean I don't try to incorperate it.

I went to a God First Always meeting today with a friend during lunch. It was the first time I had ever heard a group prayer on a school campus. To me, it was very strange. Sure, I've prayed during school (often... I got REAL close to God in chemistry...), but I think there's something in a lot of Christian students that makes us turn off our lights before we even step in the door. There's a fear in us that makes us unsure of how to approach people who we don't understand their beliefs, like a class full of students. Maybe that's why there's some sort of nature in us that makes us evaluate people before we really dive into religious discussions, or sometimes even comments. We have a constant fear of offending people, of being confronted and not knowing how to respond.

We're not too bad at being religious before 7am and after 3pm Monday through Friday. A lot of us read our bibles before bed a few days a week. We're pretty good about praying during the day. Our devotionals are half done. We have an unblemished church attendence record. We hang out with each other and support each other. But Charles Francis Potter did a good job of fulfilling his goal of making sure we are all forced to spend most of our waking hours in a humanistic environment.

I try to share God as much as I can during school, and home, or wherever I am, whether it's passively or directly. For me at least, it's almost easier to do this when I'm in my "youth group" setting in town. It's a total security blanket to have those kids and leaders around me, supporting me. They're trying to accomplish the same goals I am, and we're teaching each other every day how to run this race. So when I'm taken out of that setting, by either being placed at home or at school, it becomes ten times harder. It's kinda like actually taking the test. You've studied. You've gone to review sessions. The teacher's held your hand through the lecture and some of the assignments. But when the training wheels are taken off and it's all you, you finally start to realize just how hard the material is - especically if you haven't had mnuch practice. Except this time it's not the difference between an A and a B, it's life and death.

Maybe part of the problem is that because we all share this same awkwardness; we never truly figure out who our brothers and sisters are. Our lights may be on, but there's a big lamp shade covering them. I wonder how our campuses would look today if all the Christians knew about each other. I wonder how we would step up to create an army of God.

So my goal for tomorrow is to make a whole-hearted comment about God to somebody who I'm not so sure about their faith, or who I know isn't a believer.

Shaken AND stirred

2009-08-19T10:44:00.002-04:00

The past week has been mass chaos. I think my world has been flipped upside down, shaken, and stirred. I'm pretty sure I've gone through every emotion known to man in the past few days. Last night, I made it to bed before midnight - my brain wanted nothing more than to turn off for a few hours (nearly 11, haha).

But in light of all of this, the biggest burden of my life has been lifted from my shoulders. The Great Divorce is over. It's over. The object that has taken over my life and sent my life spiraling for my entire high school career is gone. The tumor has been removed from my life. World War Three has ended. This is like the Super Bowl of my life.

It's a new life I'm entering. If you know me, you know I don't like change - good or bad. I like order and predictability. I like ten year plans (God on the other hand, doesn't... we've had some talks about that). But this new life doens't involve court dates, or being played as a pawn (okay, I'll still probably be manipulated, but I'm hoping not as much), or meetings with lawyers that charge hundreds an hour, or not being able to do suchandsuch because the court says no. I'm free.

So here's to celebrating all that God has done, and how far he's brought me in just the past two years. God always DOES use our sins, our folly, our flaws to come out for the good. He uses it to train us, to strengthen us, to make us whole, complete, and mature. He's brought me through the fire to be refined.

Zechariah 13:9

The motivation bug

2009-08-13T20:55:00.004-04:00

So every now and then, I get into these little spells of ultra-motivation - that always end up biting me in the butt.

The latest? Deciding to sign up for another college-level class this year. For some odd reason (seriously people, I wonder if I'm taking drugs sometimes and don't know it) last spring I signed up for a computer class as my elective. I'm not really sure what I was thinking. But it dawned on me that I would be ready to shoot myself in the foot the whole time (I know how to type. I know how to use MS Office), and I'd be surrounded by 20 geeky boys picking their noses and talking about World of Warcraft (shout-out to Kevin and Mikey). Vanity aside, I told Seth and Haley about this choice today, and they bursted out laughing. Apparently, Seth took this class his freshman year - he had some quite interesting things to say about it.

My solution to the problem? Let's get rid of my easy class, and replace it with Advanced Placement Environmental Science. I asked my guidance counselor (who happens to be the best guidance counselor in the universe!) if I was going to die with this schedule. She laughed and goes "Oh well... you'll be... very busy..." I asked if that was guidance counselor speak for "yes" and she just laughed again. Hmm...

Today though I showed the freshmen around during their orientation time. I was at school longer than a normal school day - and missed St. Augustine Turn or Burn for it. Kinda wondering how I got bit by the motivation bug last spring when I signed up to do that too. Hmm... At least I got a flyswatter in Detroit, right?

Hebrews 6:10.
Well, working on it, at least.

Love wins

2009-08-10T21:36:00.002-04:00

It's been quite a great week!

Last Sunday I got to take two of the little boys, Dyl and Ty to the beach with another friend Meaghan. For most of my life, I've been the oldest in social situations - just how it worked out on my block, growing up with a bunch of boys that were 1-3 years younger than me. (Recently though, the tables have turned, and I've found myself enjoying the company of older friends more - there's so much to learn from them. Is that weird?) It was super exciting to be able to spend the day with them, watching how they interact with each other. Plus, it gave Mommy a day off - I'm guessing there's not a whole lot more exciting than having your kids taken for the day, and brought back to you totally knocked out.

Tuesday I had a spontaneous visit from an old friend I don't get to see often. Since I go to school out of town, the majority of my relationships with "New Smyrna friends" that actually made it through me constantly being MIA are friends who go to my church. She doesn't go though (we're working on it), so I only get to see her every now and then.

While I was cooking dinner for the two of us before she headed out, Amanda called me in a bit of a frazzle, needing a puppysitter (does anybody else hire babysitters for their dogs?...) It was fun to spend 3 days with my other family, just hanging around the house, loving, and being loved on. The dog was SUPER good too, which is crazy, considering last time I watched her she tried to eat me, and I've been calling her Satan since. We had some sisterly bonding (:

Thursday we went to Turn or Burn together - Kinsey Anne wasn't there (note: I don't know what to do with myself when my other half isn't in town), so there wasn't another "shark incident." It's kind of funny to see our leaders get super excited about sand castle building - and Kevin saying he's going to boogie board. Katie The Intern is pretty much the best tai chi leader in the world, fyi.

If you know me, you know I like to be super productive. I'm highly task oriented. Saturday totally fell into that. I babysat with Meaghan (I'm sensing a pattern to this) from early in the morning until the early evening, then ran errands, cleaned, did laundry, made dinner, went to the gym, and finished my Sunday School lesson all in one evening. Win.

Yesterday was my best fraaand's 25th birthday party. I must admit, I was a bit sketched by the idea of being in the heat all day, but God is good and provided a breeze - He probs didn't want to listen to me whine, either! I decided to be a rebel though, and not apply sunscreen. I told myself I wouldn't burn if I just stayed in the shade. Not so much. I'm a tad crispy. Either I burned just walking from Audra's house to the pool (as Niki calls it, speed tanning!) or I'm a UV magnet (though I do know that UV rays bounce 10 feet into the shade... brilliant).

Today Kinsey Anne and I went over to her house early in the morning before Nate left for work or she got up (shout out to Whitney) to make her breakfast. Homegirl didn't have plans, and it's just pretty much illegal to be by yourself on your birthday. I was going to make it a surprise, but she was considering going to work because she had nothing else to do - again, illegal move! I made her my blueberry banana bread - it's basically heaven in a pan. (Something is going on with my blueberries though. They sink to the bottom and get a tad soggy. Anybody know how to fix this?). We hung around her house for a bit, got lunch, then went shopping and got our nails done. It was fun, hanging out with my two best girls.

God is so good. He's giving me such great joy. I have such an awesome week with all these people that I love, and I can't imagine that there is a God out there who loves me more than all of them combined. They don't know all my dirt or my junk in the trunk (no Kinsey, I'm not referring to my backside), but He does, and covers it all with His grace. Days like these make me totally excited to see my God - I can't even fathom what better of a week it will be, being with him.

Maybe we can get our nails done, too...

A little reflection.

2009-08-07T15:08:00.002-04:00

Wow. This summer sure has passed by SO fast. But it's definitely been the best summer yet.

I think it's quite interesting to see how I change between the school year and summer. Particularly this year.

The school year has been filled with prayers of "God, please let me make it through the next 3 hours. Help me to stay awake! Please help me remember everything I studied last night!". The summer is filled with prayers of "Wow, God, you are SO awesome."

During school, I'm somewhat forced to filter my mouth on certain topics. At some point during the summer, my darenotoffendnonbelievers filter was stripped off and replaced with a tongue that is fully aware of the Great Commission.

When I'm at school, I'm in a constant battle that comes when you're surrounded by a population that's mostly nonbelievers. This summer though, I've been surrounded by a community of followers of Christ that allow me to not worry about myself - there's plenty of people around me tending to my needs and me tending to theirs. If you know me, you know I've said several times that I think I'm going to end up living by myself when I'm older - I just don't function well sharing space. But in Detroit, I realized that it's easier living with 50 Christians than it is 2 atheists.

While I'm enrolled in 7 college-level classes, my mindset somehow seems to turn God into class number 8. I now realize that when you look at the bible as more of a textbook, going to church as going to class, and working through a devo or daily prayer as homework, you depersonify the Teacher who would rather sit down and talk WITH you rather than count up how many pages of notes you can take during his lecture. This summer though, I've found great joy in celebrating God and all of his creations, distraction-free. No obligations.

Now, the point of this is not to say that school is bad (painful though, it is), or that I'm ashamed of my faith (ask any of my teachers or peers), or that I don't love God and thank Him during the school year. While I can't take school out as being A top priority, God has SO much more to offer us when we put him as THE absolute top priority. Or maybe it's not that God has more to offer, maybe it's just more we're willing to take the time and effort to accept. When we cut out the distractions of our lives, it's amazing how much God can fill them.

While I'll still have to do all my homework come August 24th, and while I'll still be fighting to shovel everything into a 24 hour window (sleep need not apply), there's a sovereign God out there who will take care of me if I take the care to be with Him. There's been plenty of days where I've decided "I'm not doing anymore homework tonight. I'm going to go read my bible." There's also been the exact same number of following days where I've found myself being okay with not having my homework completed - due date pushed back, extra time in another class, whatever.

My life can seem chaotic at times. In some aspects, I kinda like it that way - I like having a TDL and seeing tasks accomplished or having things to do. Other times, I just want to crawl under the covers and hide. Those are the times when I have to stop and wonder, "Am I letting this world take me over? Will it take me breaking down from stress to remember that there is no reason for this, because somebody else is already taking care of it?" It's easier living with a God that you can trust than it is living with 50 Christians than it is living with 2 atheists.

And it's only Tuesday...

2009-06-30T20:50:00.002-04:00

1. I got bit by an ant (very allergic).

2. Kinsey got thrown up on by one of her kids.

3. Christie got a bunch of little girls with seperation anxiety.

4. Miss Lilly told all the kids that Paige's burn is an alligator bite.

5. We're doing the HARDEST CRAFT IN THE WORLD. (A frog out of popsicle sticks?!)

6. I have an AWESOME (but chatty) group!

7. I GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE!

8. I'm currently downloading the 3.0 iPhone update.

9. Teri got a secret benefactor to pay for her Detroit trip!

10. I'm apparently getting married on Sunday.

I so very much love VBS (:
Watch for God!

I'm so cool.

2009-06-24T13:04:00.002-04:00

I'm starting to realize that, I can entertain myself quite well - for a while. Not having any full-day structure for almost 3 weeks has really put a spin on things. Quite a few of these days have been spent with my usual gang - mostly Kinsey Anne. But today and yesterday, I spent the time home alone (Note: living in the middle of nowhere and not being able to (legally) drive really BITES).

This morning I woke up to my alarm at 9 (I'll sleep for 12 hours or more if I let myself), watched the news with the baby (if you know me, you know my chihuahua is like my child), burned toast (it's not me, it's the toaster. I swear it's possessed), finished the book of Joshua and Proverbs, did laundry, got together all the stuff people have left in my house, did Day 5 of the Daniel study homework, then started watching the Discovery Channel with the dog and eating leftover spaghetti. When I finish this, I'm going to wash Nike and then go to the gym - then shower, put my face on, and go to the Detroit Missions meeting!!!

Yeah. I know. It's a rough life (:

But! Friday at 3:30 I take my driving test! My heart rate just went up as I typed that. Feel free to pray about it!

Look at the rain.

2009-06-22T23:55:00.001-04:00

Quite an interesting day.
Full of several different emotions.

The end result,
let's just say there's a giddy teenage girl in the house (:

Summertime laziness

2009-06-19T12:29:00.002-04:00

My "taking a day or two off" to relax has turned into... a week and a half of barely functioning. My daily schedule has revolved around eating, sleeping, and lounging around the house in between. I'm not even sure what day it is.

If you know me, you know I function quite well on a schedule - and any little bit of change totally throws a kink in the normally well-oiled machine. No school = no schcedule = no machine.

For example, normally I feed the fish at 5am right after I turn on the fan in the bathroom right before I hop in the shower (the fishbowl is in the bathroom, is that weird?). I realized the other day that I've fed the fish only a handful of times since school got out, and I can never remember if I already fed them that day or not.

Two days ago, before heading over to Kinsey's, I realized I hadn't done laundry in two weeks. Normally my laundry gets done on Saturday mornings, along with the cleaning of the bathroom and bedroom - both of which haven't been cleaned since the last Saturday during the school year (with the exception of cleaning the bathroom two days ago).

The dog gets a bath on Monday or Tuesday evenings, usually. My waking up at 5am has made a gentle move to 7am... then 8... then 9... now it's around 11am, but still going to bed around the same time. 12 hours of sleep, holla.

The point of all of this is, I think I need to start making daily TDLs. In case you're wondering, the laundry room still hasn't been tackled.

On another note, I recently saw my father-figure post this on Facebook:

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." - Maya Angelou

That's so legit.
I'll let you know if I ever figure out how to accomplish it.
Trying to live like Christ is not for lightweights :)

Summer Lovin'

2009-06-10T19:38:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow will make it a week since my summer break began. I think what people do when they have few obligations and a whole lotta free time can really give you some insight to their true character. I've done a whole lot of nothing, and yet been quite productive.

Last Thursday was... a rollercoaster, to say the least. In the end though, I'm going to Detroit, so I'm content :) Unfortunately, Canal Street got to see McCrazy go psycho. As Courtland said, "It's like Jerry Springer, without the making out."

Kinsey spent the weekend at my house, just laying in bed doing nothing as the rain poured. I think everybody needs one or two of those days - to do absolutely nothing, just watching movies and talking about everything and nothing with your best girl friend.

And then Monday, I got to work. My personality doesn't let me lounge around the house for too long; I get jittery if I don't have responsibilities or I go too long without working. All this extra time has finally given me the chance to efficiently complete projects I've been wanting to do for a while. Usually I'll clean the house on Saturday mornings just enough to make it presentable to guests... but the scary places or the barely-seen places never really get much more than a quick brush through.

I took every last item out of the kitchen, cupboards included, and did a massive clean sweep. Note: being 5'3 isn't effective for reaching in cupboards. While climbing around on the countertops, I was pretty certain I was going to die - but hey, I didn't :) It was pretty funk nasty cleaning around the things that got ignored for the past two years in the dark, scary corners. My dad came home while I was cleaning, looked at me, and said "did you take the dog out yet?" No, Dad, sorry. Fail.

Tuesday I did part two of my kitchen crusade. I took everything out of the fridge (including some unidentifiable substances, and expired food I hadn't realized was outdated... and ate just days before) and cleaned it top to bottom. That was when McCrazy called me, wanting me to go to dinner next week with her and the rest of her family. I still haven't decided if I'll go to that or not. It's a Catch 22.

And then today, the beach with the girls. It was relaxing, but SO hot. Little Josie, she's becoming such a teenager... she was laying out with big sunglasses and her iPod, jamming out. The gym unfortunately, didn't happen today... But tomorrow is the beach again with more of the girls :) And then Daniel study!

My next projects... sorting through my old school stuff to keep what I need, and clean sweeping the laundry / storange room.

Pink

2009-05-14T18:47:00.002-04:00

I got new nail polish today. My nails are baby pink right now :) Doesn't that just make you happy when you get a new shirt, or new makeup, or new nail polish, and you get to wear it for the first time? I'm waiting for them to dry so I can go for a run; one of them got smudged and had to be redone. Fail.

The past two weeks have been quite an emotional roller coaster. It's almost making me wonder if I'm bipolar, lol.

Last night I got 3 hours of sleep. I've been so out of it today. I put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge this afternoon. Then used Clean & Clear instead of nail polish remover. An early night's sleep is almost starting to sound better than running...

I got to talk to a girl about God today while filling out Detroit papers. It's pretty cool how I'm not even there yet, and not even knowing if I'm going, yet God's already using me in this trip. I know she's not a believer, but while we had some free time and I was filling out my forms, she started asking me questions about the trip. It was pretty cool.

Retreat.

2009-05-09T12:37:00.002-04:00

It's been such a great few weeks :) It's crazy how God will answer prayers. I'm really excited to see what He's going to do in my life, and how the things He's doing now will affect me later.

Last night the Fuel team had our retreat of sorts late into the night. It was definitely a blast. Now if you know me, you are quite aware that running is not my spiritual gift - but I love a good game of Capture the Flag. I was stunned by how many people didn't know how to play or had never played before! Lori, Elinor, and I did a pretty good job at taking defense; although the other team was good at hiding out behind trees on our side without being seen. There was a lot of yelling, laughing, tripping, and running into things. Good times. I was quite proud of myself (and will probably brag about it for days) that I captured a flag without being seen at all. I'm none too small, and was wearing a bright yellow shirt, while still managing to sneak around the backyard, having no idea where anything was, and run back to the other side. Quite an adrenalin rush, the last few yards before I was considered "safe"!

I got schooled in the art of smores making, having never done that before. I'm still quite grossed out by the fact that you take sticks - from the wilderness, and put food on them to eat. It was good though; Elinor and Cameron had to save me from my marshmallow en fuego. Davey wrapped us up with some acoustic worship songs; it was great.

My favorite part though, had to be the glowsticks. We all went out into the middle of the backyard, took an unsnapped glowstick, and spread out. At the call, we all lit our glowsticks and were to be quiet for a few moments. I saw us all standing there, barely visible, shining a light in the darkness. I'm wasn't really aware of my surroundings after that, and prayed for our team. Being able to "shine a light" has been something I've been trying to do for so long.

Today I got up at 5am to babysit. It's naptime right now, and the house is peaceful with 3 sleeping babies and 1 quietly playing toddler; I'm pretty sure I could fall asleep myself. But I should probably take this time to clean up and do homework. The living room is an explosion of child, and the kitchen is the remnants of lunch - almost a 2 hour event to get the whole fiasco finished. An essay on Animal Farm is wanting to be done, and a baby needs to be fed soon.

I need sleep. Bad.

2009-05-02T20:13:00.002-04:00

I'm starting to wonder if you can die from lack of sleep. Or if survival skills will kick in and force you to pass out to sleep. I've been running in zombie mode lately, ranging in different levels of crankiness. I haven't slept more than 6 hours in over a month. The only day I have a chance to sleep in is Friday night / Saturday morning - and that has been busy for weeks... the schedule isn't looking like it's going to clear up before summer begins **insert ~~hyperventalating~~ deep, relaxing, yoga-like breaths here**.

My eyes are being blinded from the screen. I'm sitting in the Meehl's dark living room "doing homework" on my laptop and texting as the kids watch tv and eat ice cream. I'm a great babysitter... This morning I got up at 5am to watch a group of babies pro bono for two families. That's love. As soon as I got in the car to leave that job, I got a text asking to babysit tonight. So I went home for about an hour or two, packed my overnight bag, and here I am. She's cashing in her Christmas present - a free babysitting. That's love. I'm still trying to find a light in this living room, lol.

Kinsey stayed the night last night; I picked ~~on her all night~~ her up on my way home from school. I've had all of 2 hours to myself this weekend. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I absolutely love being with people and being busy; babysitting makes me want to be a mom so bad (shout-out to MS52: you can breathe on that comment - not any time soon). I JUST NEED SLEEP.

I called my father-figure, Nate, earlier this week and vented. One of those vents of frustration. I got about 2 minutes of sub-meltdown in. Until the phone call ended with something like "You're over tired. You have two options: go to bed right after you hang up (note: it was only 9pm) and call me when you wake up; or hang up, don't go to bed, and don't call in the morning. Goodnight, love you." After a bit of protesting that I wouldn't fall asleep before midnight anyway, I chose the former option - and no, I didn't call back at 5am when I got up - that's not very loving. I didn't end up falling asleep until midnight, either. HML.

Side note: I haven't bit my nails in 3 weeks :) Whitney's No-Bite ministry is quite successful! Maybe this lack of a vice is contributing to my crankiness.

Besides physical exhaustion, I'd say it's been a good weekend so far :)

All smiles.

2009-04-28T20:27:00.005-04:00

It's been a good few days. Things are starting to look up. It's crazy how prayers are always answered.

I've realized how much I absolutely love the people I surround myself is - and how odd it is that I love to be around them, yet I don't care if my favorite people in the world are much older than I. "What'd you do this weekend?" I hung out with my youth leaders.

I've gotten the chance the past two Sundays to reconnected with Lori, just sitting on the barstools in her kitchen, chatting about everything and nothing while making brownies. And to get to know Christie, who I could never get on the same page with. Recently, I've been able to build a relationship with somebody who I've known for a long time, but could never fully trust. I've been called "like a daughter" and heard "I love you" more times from a handful of people than from the entire world combined. I've been disciplined and guided and hugged. I've made friends with people I never thought I would talk to, and broken down barriers I never thought would crumble. Do you remember me a year or two ago? Probably not. I was extremely introverted, distrusting, and self-conscious.

I thank God every day for bringing me so far in such a small amount of time. He could have easily let me find my own way. Recently, I've received quite a bit of praise about my character - and people, even non-Christians, are associating it with my "Godliness" (can we put a definition on that, please?). I don't think I ever thought somebody would call me a "Godly woman". (Okay, so hearing my name associated with "woman" is still slightly odd.) It's a bit of a scary thought, to be compared with something so ineffable and powerful - yet it's humbling. I've gotten 2 phone calls today of younger students asking me for advice, and I've had the opportunity to witness 3 times in the past 2 days. It's like I'm paying it forward. God's using me in ways I can't yet see.

So here's to answered prayers and feeling loved.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Revolting.

2009-03-20T20:58:00.003-04:00

This video made me want to vomit. A 55 year old Canadian journalist was taken hostage by the Taliban; she now looks well over 80 and a depressing shade of gray. She has a second hostage video, as well from about a month ago. Even if the Taliban didn't kill her, she doesn't have long to live by the looks of it. I don't think I've ever seen somebody look so pathetic and sick in my life. The woman claims that her captors will kill her by the end of March - less than a week away, if they don't receive their ransom of 2 million dollars. The choice of death: beheading her with a small kinfe. It's heartbreaking to see somebody plea like that and knowing you can't do anything about it; it's not a movie. I can't put it into words.

She's screaming, pleading, begging for somebody to help her. She's desperate and can't understand why her country, her business, the NGO's (non-governmental organizations... think Amnesty International), the government, everybody is ignoring her pleas for help. The US government won't save her; we have a no tolerance policy with terrorists. We have refused to make negotiations with terrorists. When I first heard this theory several years ago, I thought it was good - once you negotiate with one terrorist, you have to negotiate with them all. That will ultimately lead to being manipulated by the terrorists once they see an ounce of weakness. I can't imagine being in that position; do I let this poor woman die, or do I attempt to possibly maybe prevent further negotiations? I can't imagine the desperation she must feel. I'm worrying about getting a B in Spanish and threw a fit today about my mean English teacher, and she can't sleep because she doesn't know if she'll wake up the next morning.

I can't fathom the idea. Somebody needs to help her. Yet nobody can nor will.

Can we just make a blanket statement...

2009-03-19T21:54:00.001-04:00

Boys are dumb.

Self-explanatory.

It's been so long

2009-03-16T18:37:00.006-04:00

since I've posted on here, that my browser didn't recognize the website anymore. Slacker.

The past few weeks have been crazy. Testing, bronchitis, FCAT, SLT, Sweet 16, VBS stuff, hanging out. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing SO much that I never have a chance to fully enjoy where I am at the very moment. I'm totally going out on a limb here, but I'm going to guess that if you have anxiety when you're not working, there's probably a problem.

Friday afternoon Kinsey, Lacey, and Haili came over to the house. We went tanning (well, they went tanning; my chicken-pox scarred, albino, no-sun medication side effect self sat in the shade) at the condo's pool, and made some friends with some spring breakers. Holla.

That night we went to stay at Kinsey's. Cameron brought us home McDonalds late at night... which gave us food poisoning for the rest of the weekend. That's some fun stuff. Kinsey and I laid in bed all day Saturday doing absolutely nothing, until my two favorite people in the world called to ask if we wanted to spend the night.

Saturday night we stayed at Nate and Amanda's. Nate's getting a legit night light for his guest room - it is SO dark in there. After a few "what are you? Five?" comments from Nate, the lovely Amanda put the bathroom light in our room.

Sunday I went to church, took a nap, and went back to Fuel (aren't those the best kind of Sundays?). I'm pretty excited for Fuel. My "spiritual gifts" totally fit me. Planner, Learner, Organizer.

I love the weekends when I'm not home. It's refreshing :)

Now, I'm procrastinating the work I need to do, and my legs are crying - 6 mile bike ride after not working out for a few days. Ouch. But I want to fit into my old clothes, so it's all good :) I think I'll take a deep breath, do a bit of work, and then spend some time with God. It's really interesting that whenever I don't study or do my work, and instead read my bible, I never have a problem the next day.

Ramblings

2009-02-10T15:04:00.002-05:00

So I've been in bed for the past 4 days with bronchitis and laryngitis (party...) and after my 4th dose of cough syrup of the day, I've concluded:

Night-time cough syrup gives me crazy nightmares.

I haven't had solid foods since Friday. So I'm eating pudding, and it says sugar-free. I think Sugar-Free Pudding is an oxymoron.

FCAT is against my religion. God can create nothing bad - thus he did not create the FCAT. If God did not create it, then it's not holy. If it's not holy, it's sinful. FCAT is a sin. Therefore, I shouldn't take it.

I think Adam & Eve were vegans, and we'll be vegans in heaven, since there's no death.

The world will see Dani En Fuego if I'm still sick on Saturday and can't go to my concert...

Bath time.

2009-02-05T21:24:00.003-05:00

So if you know anything about me, you know that my puppy is my baby (okay, so he's 14 months old, technically not a puppy... but he's a little cutie). Every week, sometime around Tuesday or Thursday, he gets a bubble bath, a brushing, and a blowdrying (yes, I blow dry my puppy... I don't want wet puppy on my bed). Out of all the dogs I've owned, her certainly gets the most excited about bath time out of all of them.

Lets say it all together now... awww.... :)

In case you're wondering, he's a chihuahua mix. I think he's crossed with an Italian Greyhound - he looks exactly like a hybrid, is the average weight of the two of them, plus he's a wicked fast runner. He doesn't walk - he prances. SO funny to watch. I think painting his nails has ruined him.

Count it all joy!

2009-01-29T19:59:00.003-05:00

In the past hour, I've managed to...

Not start my homework or anything else on my TDL, despite the fact that it's 8pm.

Drop a glass jar of olives out of the fridge (don't try balancing multiple containers) which decided to drop on the very bottom of the fridge and put a crack in it.

Get a series of shreds of glass in my hands and feet.

Lose some very important papers (I never lose anything) despite my looking absolutely everywhere.

Get an email from the person I need to give the papers to, saying she would like them in the next few days.

Realizing that I tentatively needed those papers on Saturday.

On the brighter side of things...

I made a delicious dinner :) Cooking shows are working.

I won't be at my house again until Sunday night :)

My dog still gives me kissies even when I'm yelling at him to stop moving after the glass dropped... he decied to run across the kitchen anyway.

He doesn't have any glass in his feet :)

Anybody want to volunteer for spring break VBS?

** Update: I found those papers in my bible :)

There was quite an uproar...

2009-01-23T17:14:00.004-05:00

... in world history class today.

What I "learned" today: Christianity is the same as all other religions and you're racist if you wouldn't vote for an athiest president.

For a school system that claims to keep religion out of schools, they sure do a good job of bring it up in every class - I've learned the evolution theory in every single class from English to Chemistry to Psychology to History. Somehow the term "world history" got changed to "world religions - as long as it doesn't shine any light on Christianity". You think it's a hint when you're required to write an essay on the contrubitions of Muslims to society one day and the corruption of the Pope the next?

So today, we had a class discussion: Why should there be separation of church and state? Of course, the first person to speak brings up the whole "rights" thing - we're given the right of separation of church and state. Actually, that's a lie. Find it for me in the Constitution. You won't. The idea was first proposed by Andrews (or Jefferson?) in a letter to a Quaker during the founding of Maryland who was concerned about having to practice Catholic rituals (holla, Countering Culture Sunday School) - we just ran with the idea for fear of "offending others" and finding ourselves in a law suit.

So a few more people go to speak, and the general concensus is that there should be separation of church and state to have equality. I said that in theory, government and religion shouldn't be separated - the bible teaches that God should be in every aspect of your life. Oh my. I said the "G" word in school. That gets everyone going. "What if I don't believe in God?" Well... you asked for my opinion, did you not?

So then we got onto the topic of Barack Obama winning and what would happen if he was Muslim. He wouldn't have been voted in. That's a given - I think we can all agree on that; America just won't do it. So the next question: would you vote for an athiest president? I said I didn't think Christians as a whole would - and since America is predominantely Christian, they wouldn't be voted into office. I want someone in office with my same beliefs, my same values, my same morals.

And that's when my teacher stepped in and said that all religions are the same - all religions have the same basic morals. And that's when the class stepped in and called me racist - we're not talking about skin color you're born with, we're talking about a chosen belief system. And that's where a profound athiest called me out for being a hypocrite because I, and other Christians, don't follow all the laws in the Bible, and she made references to Levitical Laws. I told her those were Levitical Laws, Old Testament, before Jesus; in the Christian faith most of those aren't viable anymore... because that's not a long conversation or anything...

I think it's interesting that we can sit there all day and badger about equal rights and such, but the minute a Christian starts to defend his or her faith, they're called arrogant, narrow-minded, pushy, hypocritical...

2 Timothy 3:12.

It's been an exciting week :)

2009-01-22T19:24:00.003-05:00

Now normally, I crash and burn when change comes, but I'm pretty excited about Obama. I wasn't a big fan of him, but I really think he can change this country around. It's amazing how unified America has become - I don't remember 04's election being so celebratory, and I don't remember us being so patriotic since 9/11... I thought surely someone was going to get hurt at the inaugeration - but there were no arrests. Oh, and don't even act like you didn't laugh when Warren said "SASHAAAA" during the prayer :)

I finally got out of my piano class, and switched out of Psychology II into Sociology I and Law Studies I. So much better :) We actually do stuff in there! And I'm not being yelled at at 7:30am!

Baby shower tomorrow, cookout Saturday, church on Sunday, and my last AWANA lesson on Monday (tear).

Jamie is allowing me, Christie, Kinsey, and Courtland to design and lead Spring Break camp. Christie and I get SO excited about planning. Courtland's thinking big - he wants to plant a butterfly garden in the plot of land between the chapel and the office. Such a fab idea. We're meeting with Jamie to get the final okay on the idea on Monday.

In the words of Kinsey: "Well I'm really good at popsicle sticks, and you're really creative. Together, we're an unstoppable team!" I love craft time... two boys playing sword fights with popsicle sticks... another one making a tower out of markers... one kid eating glue... another bathing in the finger paint... it's a blast. We're wanting to do a Senegal / Environment theme. And it'll be free to the parents, so that's really good, especially right now. Day camps are rediculously expensive. We need ideas to raise money though - suggestions? Purdy darn excited :)

Best day ever!

2009-01-16T17:53:00.000-05:00

I love God.
End of story :)

Operation Malibu 300

2008-12-25T22:05:00.002-05:00

So last night (well, early this morning), I embarked on probably the most exciting (and saddest) Christmas Eve of my life with Nate, Amanda, Vaughan, and Scotty. They picked us up around midnight, and then we headed off to the poor neighborhoods of town equipped with three trashbags full of gifts for three children that weren't expected to get much for Christmas.

Vaughan's boy was first. He and Nate went and delivered the bag. Then it was Scotty's boy in a trailor park. I was nervous to begin with, then when I went to open my door to get out, I saw a man out the window coming towards the car. I freaked out. Nate told us to stay in the car, and he got out and approached the man, who actually ended up being very polite and told him where the right house was. We went to my girl's house next, but I wasn't allowed out of the car either; they decided it wasn't safe enough.

It was heartbreaking to see these homes and know that small children live there. One of the kids it was known that there was abuse going on in the house, but there was nothing we could do. I vote next year we just kidnap the kids... I'm glad we did it, and that we went over budget to get them more stuff. I really want to do it again next year. I'll probably never meet the children, and I didn't get to see their reactions this morning when they found a bag of toys on their front porch, but I do know that it made their life a little bit easier, even if just for one morning. It's ironic, because I always feel inadequate at Creek compared to all the rich kids, and then I see how some people really live, and I realize just how blessed I really am.

I never thought

2008-12-14T22:12:00.002-05:00

I'd be so excited to go back to school. It's been 11 days since I've seen any people - anybody have a volleyball I can name Wilson? I think the chicken pox has been the sickest I have ever been in my life (three cheers for craptastic immune systems). I have no idea how I'm going to catch up - IB is hard enough to catch up with if you miss one day, try a week and a half. But I totally decided I wasn't going to stress about it until I went back (after some sobbing on day two) and several people have been praying about it, so I think I'll be okay. There's no B in Dani :)

P.S. If anybody knows of a chemistry tutor or someone willing to teach a kid piano, let me know :)

I need to switch out of my piano class, ASAP.
And well, chem is just a beast.

It's been a rough week.

2008-12-05T20:35:00.002-05:00

Chicken pox.
Fever complications.
Being locked inside my room for a week.
WAY behind in school now.
Why do teachers expect me to have all my makeup work done the day I'm back?
All the fish suddenly died overnight.
The dog chewed my sunglasses - AGAIN.

On the bright side.
I get to watch the craptastic morning shows for a week :)

Twilight!

2008-11-22T20:26:00.006-05:00

So I'm not going to explain the story line - if you haven't read Twilight yet... you probably shouldn't talk to me... I don't think we can be friends (kidding - but I probably will harrass you until you read it).

Overall, I think you woul dbe TOTALLY confused if you hadn't read the book.

A friend of mine, Jackie, was going to sleep over at my house and we were going to go see it. I picked up the tickets around 3 after school, and the lady said they were almost sold out for the 7:10 viewing and to get there very early. So I went home, cleaned, did some homework, and got back to the theatre around 5:45 to meet Jackie. We met at the Dollar General - sneaking in Raisinettes, Capri Suns, and Oreos. Then we headed over to the movies around 6; there were already some people in there. We got good seats and just talked until the movie started. It was almost full by 6:30. I love going to the movies - I get to see people I haven't seen in ages, since I go to school out of town.

Since there were so many kids, there were security guards and workers in the theatre watching us; I felt like I was being babysat. One of the workers asked us to move over to fill up the empty seats - there went our good seats (they were next behind the railing so we could put our feet up). I had two seats to my left, and Jackie was sitting next to a sweet old woman who tried to strike up conversation. The theatre started to dim and I thought I'd get off easy and not have to sit next to anyone (I don't do well with strangers) until two 20something guys in camo and a girl walked in, running up and down the aisles trying to find seats. The worker made them sit next to me.

Two seats, two guys, and one girl. One of the guys, who I assumed was the girl's boyfriend, told the girl to sit on the floor and he and his buddy sat in the chairs. She said she wasn't comfortable and he pretty much said "sorry, too bad." They smelled like alcohol and tobacco, talked like rednecks, and were all up in my space - I think I sat more in Jackie's seat in my own because he was taking up so much of mine. They talked through the whole first few minutes of the movie, and even asked the girlfriend "What's this movie called? What's it about?" - totally ignoring all the shh-ing until the sweet old lady leaned over and yelled "CAN YOU TWO PLEASE SHUT THE **** UP?! SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO LISTEN." Haha.

The movie. So I was pretty much disgusted by the casting. Victoria's hair was not flaming red - it was like burnt sienna orange. The movie tried really hard to make them politically correct - Laurent was not black, Angela and Eric weren't Asian, Lauren wasn't even in the movie. Doesn't sound too fitting for a town of 3,000 to find such a multicultural group of friends... Jessica was supposed to be fat. Jasper looks gay. Edward looks evil and scary instead of sweet and beautiful. James looks like my mom's boyfriend's son in a few years, haha. They casted Mike very well though - he really did remind me of a dog. And Carlisle's voice was like I had imagined. Their inter-clan relationships were supposed to be a secret, too.

The special effects were super lame. I think I'll look back on it in a few years and go "what the crap... I enjoyed this?" But honestly, it'd be near impossible to do special effects correctly with some of the stuff Meyer came up with. I loved how parts of the movie were so funny - yet that's only because you knew what the characters were thinking. If someone who hadn't read the books were watching, they would be like "what? why is he giving him that look?"

It always bugs me when books are different than the movies - but the movie would have been 6 or 7+ hours long if they had put in everything. Nobody was murdered by the the Nomads in the book; Alice saw them coming in a few months, and then they suddenly appeared early while they were playing baseball. They really skipped out a lot on the conversations and dates that Edward and Bella had, or Jacob's and the friend's role. I cried when Bella left her dad; that scene was the one that almost made me stop reading the whole series.

They had their first kiss in the woods, not her bedroom - did anyone else notice that Bella's pants were suddenly gone? And at the end of the movie, was it Victoria or Rosalie? I thought it was Rosalie crying because Bella and Edward were together; but if that's so, then they're really playing into this whole RosalieIsJealousOfBella thing. Jackie thinks it was Victoria; but Edward would have totally picked up on it if she was there.

Bella's house was similar to how I had pictured it, however the Cullen's was not. It wasn't as big as I had pictured; I don't think Edward's room could hold a bed as it does in the 3rd or 4th book - and there was no black sofa, and no tour of the house. The sunshine scene was a pretty big letdown. His skin made noises- twinkletwinkletwinkle, and didn't really glitter. The sun was photoshopped too. He had planned to take her out there, and they had deep conversations there. Edward made a big deal about it because he was afraid he'd hurt her so she wanted to make sure somebody knew he was going to be with her. I think there excuse was they were going to Port Angeles or something. Edward was kinda a creeper. He just dragged her out into the woods before school started, said she tasted good, did some tricks, and then ripped off his clothes and twinkled in the sunlight. They left out a lot of information that is needed to understand how the vampire world works. The school was big - Bella described it in the books though as being so small that it looked more like a smattering of buildings than an actual school.

And the prom scene... that doesn't look like a school gym to me. Alice DEFF would not have let Bella out of the house in a dress and converse shoes and leggings. She looked incredibly ridiculous. Bella had been dressed up at the Cullen's home all day by Alice, and she thought she was going to be transformed. Alice made her wear heals. I swear to you, this year everyone's going to be wearing Converse shoes with their prom dresses... ugh.

I have to admit, Alice ripping off James' head was pretty BA. But the chase part was mediocre, and the movie was unintentially funny. Overall I give it a 2.5, maybe a 3 out of 5.

Anyways, that's all for now. I think I could take hours to discuss the book or movie - but homework awaits.

101 things you probably don't know about me

2008-11-15T00:15:00.006-05:00

101. My sleep schedule is nonexistant.
100. I'm really good at sleeping 12+ hours on Friday night, but less than 5 the rest of the week. I think it evens out somewhere.
99. I'm famous for sleeping during class, then being able to wake up right before the teacher asks me a question, getting it right, and going back to sleep.
98. I start to get uneasy when I go below a 95%
97. I'd cry if I got anything less than a 4.0 GPA
96. I'm actually pretty lazy. I don't like to work for anything.
95. But I fear failure more than I fear work.
94. My definition of procrastination is not having the work done two days before it's due. I like to give myself wiggle room.
93. I'm a cram-studier. I study for a few minutes the day before the test, and then a few minutes right before it.
92. I memorize things in groups of 3's. Three vocab words at a time, 3 formulas at a time, 3 days at a time. I like acronyms or phrases a lot too... and songs...
91. But I can't sing to save my life.
90. I wish I could. Voice is the ultimate instrument. No batteries required.
89. I was in choir for years. Until I realized I suck.
88. I really hate when I don't fail, the school system fails me. I spent 7 years in music class before I actually learned how to read music.
87. I get all upset when we don't do anything in class - I didn't wake up at 4:50 to talk about the color of eye shadow. I don't like to waste time.
86. Time = Money. I have no time, therefore, I have no money.
85. My dad's a pushover. I had him whipped at a young age. I've never been grounded or had anything taken away.
84. My mom? Not so much. It's her way or the high way.
83. That made me into a nagger as a child. My mom said I was a broken record.
82. I eventually learned how to manipulate her, and made her a pushover too. Now I'm a great debator. Undefeated 3 years running. You don't want to get in an argument with me.
81. I love public speaking.
80. But I really hate when people have a strong opinion, and nothing to back it up with.
79. I tend to get things done. "No" isn't in my vocabulary.
78. Which is why I hate group work. I can do it faster myself.
77. I'm NOT a morning person. At all.
76. I'm a grump when I'm hungry or tired. If I'm being mean, tell me to eat or take a nap.
75. People tell me I tend to frown a lot or look serious all the time. I have no idea I'm doing it.
74. I always look at the other person's right eye when I'm making eye contact.
73. I don't like eye contact much. I tend to look down. I'm listening, really.
72. I have OCD tendencies. I can't wear my hair the same way two days in a row. I can't paint my nails the same way consecutively, etc.
71. I love when I see my vocab words or get to use some skill I never thought I'd need.
70. I can't pronounce "aluminum" or "feminine" or "vocabulary" or "accompaniament" correctly.
69. I need glasses. But they look bad on me. So I squint.
68. My eyes are super sensitive to light.
67. Light, chewing, and stress gives me headaches... a lot.
66. Knees gross me out. Kinda like some people don't like feet.
65. I don't like things touching my neck, either.
64. I haven't been to the doctor since I was in 4th grade. I've only been to the dentist twice.
63. My immune system is craptastic. But it's improving. I <3 Airborne
62. I need braces. But my mom doens't "believe" in them.
61. I'm incredibly lazy. And I suck at cooking. Which means that I'll starve before I make food for myself.
60. So when my dad is gone, I don't eat.
59. I don't actually eat during lunch either. 4th and 6th period is my lunch time.
58. I sleep a lot when I'm upset.
57. I'm allergic to anything I put on my lips - chapstick, lipstick, lipgloss, whatever.
56. I'm part of some strange subspecies of women that hate shoes.
55. I'm ridiculously (another word I can't pronounce) flat-footed.
54. I'm a Sickle Cell carrier. Don't even think about saying "isn't that for black people?"
53. I love breakfast foods.
52. Some people think I have a New England accent. I don't see it.
51. I hate Southern accents... yet I live in the South.
50. I hate when people cuss. It bugs the junk out of me.
49. My biggest pet peeve is when people don't know the difference between "good" and "well".
48. Food tastes good. You do things well.
47. It also really bugs me when people don't konw the difference between "their, there, they're" or "too, two, to."
46. Their shirts are blue. There are the shirts. They're putting on the shirts. I want to go too. Two girls are going. We are going to the store.
45. I love talking in Spanish. But I hate Spanish class.
44. Mi amiga in Spanish will pass notes in Spanish instead of actually paying attention. I think we get more learning done that way...
43. I sold my soul to IB and all I got was this lousy diploma.
42. I have a baby. His name is Nike.
41. He's a Chihuahua / Italian Greyhound (I think). No, Italian Greyhounds are NOT big.
40. He knows his commands in Spanish and English.
39. He's spoiled beyond belief. He's also 10 pounds of bed hog; his little self probably takes up more room than I do.
38. I cut up my flashcards crazy small. I like to save paper.
37. Taken notes from a scatter-brained teacher is incredibly difficult.
36. I always get excited when I get a good grade in math - I never have before. Then I remember I'm in dumb kid math.
35. I'm very independent... almost to a fault.
34. I used to love Oprah. Now I can't stand her. Same with Tyra. Ellen's still pretty cool though.
33. I still can't believe she's like 50.
32. I'm guilting of chewing on my pens, nails, cell phone antenna, whatever, when I'm stressed.
31. When I'm bored in Spanish, I draw floor plans on the back of last night's homework.
30. They're actually pretty good. But no, I won't be an architect - too much math (see number 36).
29. I get all excited when I see something on the news or on tv that talks about something I just learned about.
28. I really... really... like organizing and planning. Can I come clean your house for you?
27. I won't be a wedding planner either - that probably involves numbers of some sort too.
26. I'm either really hot or really cold.
25. I get in moods where I'll eat certain foods for weeks at a time. I'm currently at hot chocolate, chai tea, and salads.
24. Darkness bothers me. I like lights on.
23. I play piano for about 11-ish hours a week.
22. I love to speak in Spanish.
21. I secretly envy whoever has the baby pink pickup truck in the student parking lot.
20. I'm really bad about getting motivated to do the simplest tasks.
19. I'm one of those people that will look for the remote for 2 hours instead of getting up to change the channel. Or I'll just remember to mentally add or subtract an hour of the time instead of changing it on the clock.
18. I can't cook to save my life. My idea of cooking is putting dressing on lettuce or adding milk to cereal.
17. I'm not kidding when I say my dog ate my homework...
16. I want to move to Washington State.
15. I have a slightly unhealthy obsession with Twilight.
14. If I had a car, I don't think I'd live at home anymore.
13. I match my puppy's sweater to my outfit.
12. Don't even roll your eyes. He gets cold.
11. I really wish I knew how to sew better.
10. When I was little, I thought there were little people inside of televisions, stoplights, and computers. I never understood how they fit in laptops.
9. I'm really good at science. But I think a lot of it is just guessing.
8. I have no idea what my great grandma looks like. But I know her handwriting. I snail mail her a letter and some pictures every few months.
7. She's 95 and still running on her treadmill - she used to run on the mountain, but it's too slippery in the winter.
6. I think I'd pass out after running a block.
5. During band camp, I used my Sickle Cell as an excuse not to run the 192384720 laps everyone else had to run.
4. I love reading. But I never have any idea what to read.
3. My New Year's resolution was to finish the bible in one year. It's November and I'm only half done.
2. I'm a thinker, not a doer. I can tell you how to bake a cake, the reactions that occur, whatever, but I couldn't actually bake one myself.
1. I'm really amazed that you read all of that. Kudos to you.

Dear Eliot

2008-10-28T21:49:00.000-04:00

I saw this video on Oprah today.

Book

2008-10-21T22:10:00.003-04:00

I need a good read.

Suggestions?

Ramblings of the week

2008-10-19T22:57:00.002-04:00

Stressed: In case end of year finals, midterms, semester exams, weekly assessments, or standardized tests weren't enough, this year we have quarterly exams too, starting Monday... I think if you can pass one test, you can pretty much pass them all.

Happy: It's starting to get cold :) Me gusta cuando fresco o frio.

Amazed: My dog's brilliant. This morning he learned what "car" means, something I haven't been working on for very long. On the way to church I didn't put him on his leash and when we came out of the elevator I told him to get in the car. He found which car was ours and sat by the door until I opened it for him. Brilliant. Brilliant's a good word - I don't use it enough.

Amused: While on the topic of my dog, I learned a few weeks ago that he hoards. While cleaning my room I found under my bed a neat pile of treats he's been given a few weeks ago. Whenever someone's in the kitchen, he goes out there too and runs back in a few minutes later with a mouthful of food to hide. Part squirrel? I went to clean his bed yesterday, and found under the cushion another pile of food that he's been saving for later. I think Nike could live locked up in my room with no food for a week and be okay...

Annoyed: Again with the dog... he keeps badgering me to play fetch with him. It's kinda funny, actually. He'll take his toy and put it on my keyboard or on my book or whatever I'm working with and keep nudging me with it until I get so annoyed I throw it across the room for him to chase. If I pretend to throw it but hide the toy, he'll look everywhere for it, and when he decides he can't find it, he'll start to whine. Yesterday I sewed back up one of his plush toys - they fall apart like nobody's business.

Ironic: But maybe Nike isn't such a genius... he barks at his own reflection in the window... That's my last comment about my pup.

Excited: Wes is going to be in Palm Coast on the 31st!!!

Double excited: Twilight the movie comes out in 33 days!

Even more excited: Relient K, TobyMac, and Family Force Five are going to be at Murray Hill Theatre (Jax) on the 14th!!!!!

Bummed: Only one more episode of Army Wives left until the season finale.

Refreshed: I've slept about 30 hours this weekend - normally I'll get 10. Friday I didn't feel like being at school so I came home and took a 5 hour nap. A few hours later I fell asleep for the night for 12 hours, then took 7 hours that night, came home from church and slept for 6, and now I'm fixing to go back to bed for the night.

Relieved: I've managed to put off my piano test for the past 4 school days... I think she's forgotten... :)

Side note: Am I the only one that almost always types "blooger" instead of "blogger" in the nav bar?

Viva Las Vegas

2008-10-13T16:50:00.009-04:00

Saturday was Homecoming :)
It was great. Me being the proactive person I am, found myself texting the world having no idea what I was going to do with my hair and makeup - Kinsey saved the day by coming over and fixing me up for 5 or 6 hours.

Before the dance the group went to Haley's house for dinner - a nice bunaglow by the sea... that's pretty much the size of every house I've lived in combined. Here's some of the girls - the guys refused to get in the picture and thought it'd be really funny to time how long to get a picture we were all somewhat satisfied with - 15 minutes.

It was fun, and I get to do it all over again next month :)

Creek Geek Day

2008-10-06T16:46:00.002-04:00

Homecoming week is officially under way.

Friday started out with Stoplight Day.
Green: Single
Yellow: going to the dance in a group, or not sure if you're going
Red: Taken

Today was Creek Geek Day. Tomorrow is the traditional Twin Day and Field Night. Wednesday is Decades Day, then Thursday is Spirit Day, the pep rally and the homecoming football game.

Friday is Theme Day - our theme being "Viva Las Vegas"... the announcements went as far as to say every day for the past two weeks "NO CASUAL/TRASHY VEGAS STYLE ATTIRE WILL BE PERMITTED. ADMINISTRATION WILL TURN YOU AWAY AT THE DOOR AND NO REFUNDS WILL BE ISSUED." Funny coming from an administration that never enforces a dress code... After lunch will be the Homecoming Carnival.

Then Saturday is the dance :) I'm going to a friend's house in Port Orange for dinner and to get ready and such. I probably won't get back home until 1am - looks like I won't be at church in the morning.

Dress shopping :)

2008-09-29T20:37:00.003-04:00

I went homecoming shopping yesterday in Sanford with Teri. I'm so difficult when it comes to shopping. I narrowed it down to a red dress, and a violet one. I purchased the violet one. It's a peated babydoll with sparklies bellow the chest. Then I have Australian crystal earings and a silver necklace to match, and silver heals, and fancy sandals - nobody actually keeps their heals on all day to dance in. It's gorg. I'll post pictures eventually... when I get motivated enough to search for my camera dock.

What was I saying

2008-09-27T22:55:00.004-04:00

about barely any homework? I have a tendency to start slacking hardcore if I'm not being slammed with enough work. Today I got up early to do homework, do my psychology project (way to procrastinate), finish my Sunday School homework, get ready for the confrence next Saturday, and do some things around the house I didn't have time for during the week (cleaning, giving the dog a bath, laundry, etc). I don't have the instructions on what format the results form the psychology project is supposed to go in... so I'm kinda at an impasse with that. I have a Spanish test on Monday that I haven't even started to study for - maybe if I remember I'll bring my flashcards with me during the car ride tomorrow.

You know you're a nerd when you freak out because Creek Connect is down...

Last night I went to the mall to look for homecoming dresses. I found one I wanted to buy in Windsor. It was uber pretty. Of course it was the last one in my size... and of course upon bringing it to the register I find a rip in it. Great. I go on the website to see if I can order one - their shipping is 15 days, the dance was in 14. Even better. So I went to call the 1-800 number to see if they could mail me rush delivery. The office is closed until Monday. I don't think I'm meant to have that dress... So tomorrow I'm going to Sanford with some of the girls to see if my picky self can find one there.

I made salt dough with the kids on Thursday. They did amazingly well with it, especially considering Teri wasn't there. It kept them busy almost the entire night. I made two big bowls of it on both ends of the table so I wouldn't have too much "I can't see!" whining, and told them to not touch it until told - most of them did pretty well with it. Cleanup was a huge deal - beating the flour out of the chairs, scraping the hardened chunks off, washing all the play-dough toys and their little tiny crevices, cleaning up the mess in the bathroom left from washing the toys, cleaning up the chunks off the floor, vaccuuming the floor several times, washing the tables several times and finally deciding that some of the hardened peices just weren't coming off any time soon. I didn't get home until almost 10. I don't mind cleaning too much though; messes stress me out, and I find cleaning quite relaxing. I slept well. I got two of the little kids to do the dirty work of picking all the hardened peices off the floor by telling them they were "super helpers" going on an adventure to find lost treasure (the chunks). It worked well :) I was pretty impressed with them.

Flour and Salt Clay #2
Can be reused if stored properly
Ingredients:4 cups flour1 cup saltFood coloring (optional)Water2 tablespoons cooking oil (for reusable only)
Steps:
1. Mix flour and salt in a large bowl.
2. Add food coloring to water, add enough water to the flour mixture to moisten and make workable.
3. If making reusable clay, add oil to water also.
4. Model into shapes, let dry, or put into air tight containers and store in the refrigerator.

I tested the dye I had (it's the gel stuff) on my own hand to see if it would stain before I gave it to them. It was sticky (it's mostly corn syrup) and didn't come off for several washes - though I think I may have just been seeing my vein after a while that appeared to be blue / green. It might have worked, since what I put on my hand was concentrated, but I didn't think Pastor Tim would appreciate tye-dye table tops...

In World History, Tiffany, Elyce, and I put together an amazing project. One side of the posterboard we had to do a display of Ying & Yang, and the other side was Judaism, specifically the story of Abraham, using magazines.

We cut out scraps of blue to make a collage of the sky, and scraps of tan to make a collage of the sand. Then we went threw and picked out our Isaac, Ishmael, Hagar, Abraham, and Sarah. We went through Obama, both Clintons, Bush, Cheney with a rifle (there were some old magazines, back from when he had his hunting incident), and some strange looking people. We settled on an adorable old couple holding hands to play Abraham and Sarah. We had a Hagar... but she somehow got lost in our mess. We didn't have much time left, so we cut out an Amish woman holding bread. We cut out a little boy and dubbed him Isaac, but we couldn't find another one to play Ishmael. So Tiffany got the bright idea to cut out the head of a baby and glue it onto the loaf of bread in Hagar's arms. Mr. P thought it was disturbing, I thought it was hilarious. Elyce cut out "one hot momma" and "multiplies" to put over the old couple - Abraham does after all have as many children as stars in the sky. Haha. We found a large print "GOD" to put at the top, too.

Then with 4 minutes of class left to go, we flipped over the board and put together a craptastic Ying Yang with white and black magazine scraps with the help of Athena, 3 glue sticks, and Yug and Artem standing over us telling us we wouldn't have time. We had one minute to spare :) It actually didn't look too bad. I'll have to take a picture of it - especially the Judaism side, it's hilarious. I smell an A coming :)

When did it get to be 11:34pm?

It's a great day to be a hawk...

2008-09-23T21:16:00.002-04:00

Sophomore year is amazing... barely any homework. Today I was done in about an hour and 45 minutes. They weren't lying when they said tenth grade is the easiest year in IB... yet next year will be the hardest.

Progress reports came out today. Worst one ever. Ironic.

Piano - A
Psychology - A
English - B (I have no idea what she's graded... she refuses to use Creek Connect or tell us our grades)
World History - B
Chemistry - A (but is probably more like a C now...)
Spanish - A
Mathematical Analysis - B

I think / hope I might be able to raise some the B's to A's though before report cards come out.

Busy work builds character...

2008-09-21T20:59:00.004-04:00

or so says my second period psychology teacher - who is famous for busy work.

"Yeah so... today I don't have anything planned... write your vocabulary words and definitions 3 times each."

I love public education.

About a year and a half left to go before I'm applying for colleges - and I still have NO idea where I'm going or what I'm majoring in. I've narrowed it down to something in communication of some sort (since I have no mathematical skills whatsoever, and even my own blood makes me gag) - but that still leaves me with a couple thousand majors to choose from... sweet.

Thursday babysitting went pretty well, and drama-free for the most part. I'm never having children. Ever. It's great birth control.

Last night I babysat again though while friends went to two of my favorite people in the world's wedding. Paige asked why her parents were away, and I told her because they're at a friend's wedding. We ended up having a like half hour Q&A session about what a wedding is.

Paige: "What if I don't find a boy to marry me?"
Me: "You will."
Paige: "I'm never getting married."
Me: "Why?"
Paige: "Because I don't want to kiss a boy."

Then she wanted to know who Nate and Amanda are, so I showed her some pictures on their Myspaces.

Paige: "Why is she wearing a crown?"
Me: "Because she's his princess."
Paige: "Why is she his princess?"
Me: "Because he loves her."
Paige: "Oh. She's pretty. P-R-E-Y. Pretty. I wish I was like her."

It was way cute :)

Boy decided to profess his love to me last night - which still makes me crack up laughing, but then I feel bad. Poor kid. I'm not interested at all... he hasn't gotten the hint yet. Makes for a great awkward relationships - one of those ones that the chance of bowing out gracefully is -2%.

The headache took a two day vacation, but decided to come back tonight. Blah. I'm ready for a lobotomy.

1073

2008-09-14T22:13:00.002-04:00

Hmm. So I made this blog because my other one is basically more like a diary... and filled with boring TDL's that nobody wants to read. So here you go, something mildly amusing?

By the way, 1073 spells "love"... almost, sort of. Squint, tilt your head, whatever you have to do... it's there, I promise.

My head hurts. A lot. And it's worse when I start moving. It's been pounding for three weeks as of tomorrow. My throat hurts as well, and my neck aches. I get dizzy too out of nowhere, my ears pop, and I'm very tired... the latter not being that bad, because it means I've been getting at least 5 hours of sleep a night all week (three cheers! That's a Dani First!) Normally I'm pretty sensitive to Tylenol and the like, and I'll still take children's medicine in the amount that a 10 year old would take, but this sucker isn't going away for anything. I haven't taken anything this weekend, trying to give my body a break from all of the Tylenol I've been taking just so I can function at school. For some reason my parents are anti-doctor, so that's pretty much out of the question, no matter how sick I get. I haven't had a check-up since I was in the 4th grade... that was 8 years ago? So this weekend I spent resting, hoping some relaxation would help whatever this strange head cold is, and I ended up finishing the second book in the Twlight Series, New Moon, instead of doing homework. Now it's 10pm on Sunday night and I have a Spanish test tomorrow. Senioritis?

I broke my year and a half record of not cheating on Friday. Bummer. It can be justified though... sort of...

On a lighter note... Sunday School started today! Normally I hate change, but I kind of like this new system of being split up into different individualized classes with different academics. We're doing a unit called "Countering Culture" which is interesting, because that's always been a big battle of mine; wondering how are you supposed to tell 4 billion other people that they're wrong, and you're right, when you have no more proof than they do? I've always wondered if I'd be a Bhuddist or Muslim instead if I lived in India or Saudi Arabia... Side note: I became a Christian on the 7th.

I used to ask questions... a lot of questions... nobody had any answers for me, and quite honestly, they must have been annoyed, but of course I didn't realize it at the time. There's a kid, JC, who at best I can describe him as the Official Bible Thumper of IB. He's one of two black kids in my class of IB students, and is always out to "prove" that Jesus was black; most people will say white, even more will not care (he was Middle Eastern, buddy, he's brown.) So somehow we went from a debate about the skin color of Jesus (brown), to if people who say GD or who are gay go to hell (negatory), to unforgiveable sins (denying Jesus as Lord), to who decides what an unforgiveable sin is (seriously? God), to the validity of the bible (the rest really doesn't matter until you have this one figured out). I somehow found myself pittying all the people I had sent questions to, knowing exactly what they felt like when there was a kid sitting there who just wouldn't take an answer for what it was. Long story short, I ended up offending the kid when I told him that he should check what he really believes about Jesus if he thinks he's the Savior yet doesn't forgive all sins, and JC started bringing in Pagan sources to prove his point and declared himself the "winner" of the debate... there's so many things wrong with that... just no...

I think some Spanish flash cards are calling my name...